ROCK ROYAL-TEASE Kelly
• No simple life: Ozzy's kid Kelly Osbourne and Rod Stewart tot Kimberly cancel plans to star in their own reality show, calling it "demeaning" and "juvenile."
• Same ol' wino: Amy Winehouse claims to be a perfectionist, which is the reason she cancels her shows at the last minute. Not, like, her alcoholism or anything.
• Monsieur Incroyable: Police arrest a 16-year-old schoolboy in Aix-en-Provence for translating Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows before the French version's October release date. When asked to comment, French police sniffed, "We do not speak ze English."
• Still, not "Apple": Idiot parents name their kid "Superman" after they're told they can't legally name him "4Real."