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America's Beach Sexiness Way Too Sexy!

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

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Whether it's homosexuals and their love of plein air oral or just dirty hippies who like to burn their floppy bits, America is reeling from a scandalous summer of nakedness and nudity along its ocean-fronts! Out at California's state beaches, it turns out that, by law, nudity is illegal in state parks except where it is permitted, which turns out to be nowhere. Now there is a heated battle between the naturists and the clothingists at San Onofre State Beach. Alcohol was outlawed there last year, so you know, it is now Boring Beach. But not that boring! "Beachgoers say the Marine base is where the real action happens," says the Los Angeles Times. Ain't that always the truth. We've been on the XTube! Meanwhile, the randy gays are still destroying Cape Cod for people who like to pretend that it isn't one of the three places that homos can go to get away from the disgusting and also often obese people with thousands of babies who populate the rest of this hateful, pasty, clothing-obsessed country.

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