You know what's a new sign of America's impending doom? We can't even keep our star basketball players any more! Josh Childress, of something called the "Atlanta Hawks," has been poached—by some Greek ball club! What's fascinating is that the Hawks' contracts don't even have a clause where they get the right to match an offer from a foreign team. Who'd have prepared for this moment of national sports Armageddon? That's right, no one. Enjoy Greece, Mr. Childress! Now he is trying to weaken America even further: "I've talked to a few guys, and it could become a trend," he says to ESPN. SO LONG, TRAITOR. ENJOY YOUR GREEK FREEDOM FRIES.