GONE GONZO Gonzales
• Bye, bye, 'Berto: Attorney General and perjury aficionado Alberto Gonzales resigned on Friday, the New York Times reports, but he and Bush try to win press favor by not announcing it until today and saving everyone from having to work over the weekend.
• Retox: Lindsay Lohan might be in rehab, but rumors of her continued drug use and sex are alive and kicking on the outside.
• Life imitates Royal Tennenbaums: According to the National Enquirer and Star (for whatever that's worth), floppy haired actor Owen Wilson is in the hospital after attempting suicide.
• Record crop: Say what you will about the Taliban, but those guys grow righteous opium.
• They love cancer?: Lance Armstrong is none too happy with the presidential candidates skipping his cancer forum, particularly cancer survivors John McCain and Rudy Giuliani.
• If They Sold It: After announcing that O.J. Simpson's If I Did It would not be stocked in Barnes and Noble because poor sales are expected, the book has leaped into the top 50 on the site's online preorders, which begs an important question: Why not just read an analysis of it for free?
• Li'l Hogan body slammed: Hulk Hogan's son, Nick, 17, is extracted from the twisted wreck of a friend's Toyota Celica in Clearwater, Florida, but escapes with non-life-threatening injuries.