Stories Worth Talking About by 9 a.m.

• Not even a little gay: George Clooney. How so incredibly not-gay is he? Here's what stars said about him at a L.A. roast:

"Girls, he's the best friend you can have. But he'd make a lousy boyfriend. For a non-Mexican, he makes the best shrimp quesadillas I have had."—Salma Hayek"You do wacky things with shaving cream and Neosporin. I don't mean that in a sexy way." —Julia Roberts

"I regret that Michelle Pfeiffer was married when we did One Fine Day ... also Matt Damon, but that's a different story. I'd like a crack at him."—Clooney

"I have fucked George Clooney."—Ellen Barkin

• Groomed for war: North Korea and Kim Jong Il, all hopped-up on enriched uranium, call the U.N. Security Council sanctions a "declaration of war." More and more, his cute little pompador-and-glasses get-up looks more "mad scientist" than "tiny Elvis impersonator."

• Popped and popped again: Note to thug-rappers in general and Fabolous (aka John Jackson) in particular—when planning to carry loaded, unlicensed guns in your whip in New York, try not to get shot. It only draws the attention of the Man, who then arrests you and your three associates.