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Read This Stuff—or Get Stuck In Iraq

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REPLENISHER Rumsfeld

Rummy, War God: Donald Rumsfeld ignores the cries of the masses, and re-ups the troop count with, as John Kerry might say, people who didn’t “study hard” or “make an effort to be smart.”

Above the law: Republican majority mafioso Don Tom Delay says, “I haven’t had no ethical problems.” In all fairness, though, one must have a conscience to suffer from questions of ethics.

Madoption, part IV: Madonna says she offered to support 13-month-old David Banda in Malawi, but his father, who Madge says rarely visits his child, declined. She adds, “I’m gonna keep my baby, oooh, ohhh….”

Baby ratta-tat-tat: DMX will be starting his own clothing line, branching out from his rapping, acting, and FBI-impersonating gigs. The emcee is certainly in need of money—a $2 million defamation lawsuit for claiming your kid’s mother raped you won’t pay itself.

Returning to the cuckoo nest: Kim Jong Il, blowing minds and ozone since 2006, wants to sit down and talk over the nuclear issues again. Things always go so swell at these meetings, there’s no reason for the U.S. not to RSVP.

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