KNOWS WHAT GIRLS LIKE Hilton

• Publicity whorin’: Newly sapphic Paris Hilton casts her drunken gaze on former Laguna Beach vixen (and Lauren Conrad nemesis) Kristin Cavallari. The two played girls-only tonsil hockey at a Vegas nightclub.

• Casting betrayal: Nicole Kidman is set to play Valerie Plame in the movie of her book, Fair Game: My Life as a Spy, My Betrayal by the White House. Why do we feel like Val got the short end here?

• Free and clear: Mel Gibson has met the terms of his probation and will no longer have to report to a Superior Court judge on his progress. Congratulations, Mel! You’ll have more time to make shit-tastic movies and insult broad swaths of people!

• Battle of the moguls: Rupert Murdoch throws the News Corp hat in the Yahoo ring, challenging Microsoft’s hostile takeover.

• Best minds: An academic discovers what is believed to be the first ever recording of Allen Ginsberg‘s “Howl”—and it took place in Portland, Oregon, not Berkeley, California. Deep-thinking 19-year-olds across the country struggle to make sense of it all.