Wi-Fi I-Pod Touches Poor Tech Nerds

I-POD-IUS Heir to the apple throne

Return date expired?: Apple reveals a new iPod with touch-screen and WiFi, making all those who’ve recently purchased iPods feel like schmucks. Steve Jobs calls his new baby “one of the seven wonders of the world.”

Calm down, America!: The Air Force says that last week’s little mistake, in which a B-52 accidentally flew over the U.S. with nuclear warheads, did not pose a threat to public safety.

To poach politicos: Obama wrangles former Clinton aides to help with his foreign policy inexperience—and to piss her off.

Jude-icious beatdown: Pretty boy paparazzi-hater Jude Law attacks a photographer in London, calls the man a “pedophile,” skips away on bail.

Legal pitbull wanted: Leona Helmsley’s newly minted Maltese pup Trouble needs a good lawyer to help collect its $12 million inheritance, according to a “pet trust specialist.”

Carcinogenic kernels: Reports of buttered popcorn causing lung cancer help take focus away from cigarettes and an ever-present toxic 9/11 cloud.

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