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• Passive aggressive: Doing all she can to denounce Barack Obama without actually saying his name, Hillary Clinton spent the day badmouthing his pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright. “He would not have been my pastor,” Clinton says. “You don’t choose your family, but you choose what church you want to attend.”
• Jeze-who?: After just two episodes, the porn-sounding Parker Posey program The Return of Jezebel James is canceled.
• Elderly 4 Elderly: Ex-first lady Nancy Reagan is bringing the power of geriatrics back to American politics by endorsing presidential hopeful John McCain.
• The friendly skies: Airlines are no longer required to give food, water, clean toilets, or fresh air to New York travelers stuck in delayed planes. Before long, jetsetters will need to flap their arms out the windows while sitting chained to their seats.
• Homeland security: The Indian government is threatening to ban BlackBerries unless RIM allows the feds to snoop through people’s messages.
• Don’t mess with Texas: Willie Nelson’s daughter, country rocker Paula Nelson, will stomp your ass.