RECIDIVIST PAR EXCELLENCE Francis

• Lawsuit collector: An incarcerated Joe Francis secures another lawsuit for coercing two innocent female coeds into getting it on and then showing the footage to the world.

• XXX-ecuted: Iranian lawmakers pass a bill that would deem anyone related to the production of porn a “corrupter of the world” and sentence them to death.

• When they grow up: Were they not royals, Princes William and Harry would like to fly helicopters and be a safari guide, respectively. Then they’d like to grab their sippy cups and watch some cartoons.

• Always low prices: Wal-Mart employees strike back by ripping the company off of $3 billion in merchandise. Who needs health insurance when you’ve got a free flatscreen?

• Paris Watch: Paris Hilton is moved from the medical ward back to the cold, damp cell where she contemplated suicide a week ago.