BIZARRELY BUFF Barry Bonds
(Photo: Getty Images)

• No field day: Baseball’s all-time leading home-run hitter Barry Bonds has been indicted on federal charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. The possible-hall of famer claims no knowledge of taking performance enhancing drugs en route to his record-breaking numbers, contends that grown men often put on 150 pounds of muscle mass after a couple hours of batting practice.

• They pissed her off: Hillary Clinton accuses her “boy” rivals of slinging mud “right out of the Republican playbook,” and the dudes fall to the sidelines. When Wolf Blitzer directs a question at Joe Biden, the senator kids, “Oh, no, don’t make me speak.”

• Recidivism’s finest: Lindsay Lohan spends 84 minutes in the slammer for her DUI in July. L.A. Sheriff Lee Baca likely worries that any additional time will exacerbate her retail therapy addiction.

• Oi! Oi! Oi!: The UK’s forward thinking advertising agencies have come up with another doozy to inspire tourism: a skinhead, with a giant red cross painted across his bare back, pisses into a tea cup. A spokeswoman claims, we suppose seriously, “It’s fun, it’s supposed to show how cosmopolitan London is. Yes, I really think it says London is cosmopolitan.”

• Lou-natics unite!: For the first time, CNN anchor Lou Dobbs is seriously contemplating making a run for the White House, friends say. But only if NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg sneaks into the race as an Independent.