Katie Holmes’ Magical ‘Best Friend’

The starry-eyedchaperone who’s been accompanying Katie Holmes toBatman Begins press junkets is not only an agent ofScientology—she’s a powerful one. According to an article from thesect’s in-house magazine, Source, Holmes’ newChurch-assigned handler, Jessica Rodriguez, ascended to thelevel of “New Operating Thetan IV” (TomCruise is rumored to be New OT VII) in January 2004. What the Beck does that mean?

According to sources close to the Church, it means she’s joined the elitegroup of Scientologists who’ve been enlightened with the six-figuresecrets of Xenu, the evil intergalactic ruler who implanted“thetans,” or alien spirits, in earth’s volcanoes 75 millionyears ago, after which they escaped and invaded human bodies. As a “New OTIV,” Rodriguez has the power to, “control life, thought, matter,energy, space, and time,” according to Scientology’s official website. Having completed the Church’s“False Purpose Rundown,” Katie’s spiritual escort also has the ability to spot any “suppressive persons” (read: enemies of Scientology, like skeptical journalists andconcerned friends and family members) who interact with her celebrity charge.And you thought Pat Kingsley was tough!

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