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Jaycee Lee Dugard's Heartbreaking Secret Diary

Feb. 11 2010, Published 9:50 a.m. ET

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It was revealed in court papers Thursday that Jaycee Lee Dugard kept a secret diary chronicling her darkest moments and fears during her time held captive by convicted rapist Phillip Garrido.

COURT DOCUMENTS: Read Excerpts From Jaycee Lee Dugard's Secret Diary

El Dorado County Deputy District Attorney James Clinchard revealed details of the diaries in response to an outrageous request by Garrido’s lawyers to find out the secret location Dugard and her two daughters have been living since their release from captivity. Clinchard was emphatic that Dugard does not want any contact with Garrido, and accused the alleged abductor of being “a master manipulator” something Clinchard said was exemplified by the entries in Dugard’s journal.

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The heartbreaking diary entries give insight into Dugard’s obviously fragile and confused mental state at that time. In one entry, on September 5th 2003, six years before Phillip and Nancy Garrido were charged with Dugard’s abduction, she wrote, "How can I ever tell him how I want to be free?"

Another entry from September 2003 said,  "I don't want to hurt him. … Sometimes I think my very presence hurts him. … So how can I ever tell him how I want to be free? Free to come and go as I please. … Free to say I have a family. I will never cause him pain if it's in my power to prevent it. FREE!"


In another entry, on July 5, 2004, Jaycee wrote, "It feels like I'm sinking. I'm afraid I want control of my life. . . . This is supposed to be my life to do with what I like . . . but once again he has taken it away. How many times is he allowed to take it away from me? I am afraid he doesn't see how the things he says makes me a prisoner . . . Why don't I have control of my life! I feel I can't even be sure my thoughts are my own."

The motions are scheduled to be heard in court on Feb. 26.

Garrido and his wife Nancy are charged with abducting Dugard when she was 11-years-old and keeping her captive as a sex slave in a backyard dungeon for 18 years. Dugard gave birth to two daughters from Garrido during her time as a prisoner.



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