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Jenelle Evans Admits Suicide Bombshell: ‘I Was About To Kill Myself & Film It’

Jul. 26 2017, Updated 10:55 a.m. ET

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Jenelle Evans was often grounded while living under her mother Barbara’s strict roof as a troubled teenager. In her new memoir Read Between The Lines: Diary of a Teenage Mom, she reveals that her constant fights with her now-estranged mother forced her to contemplate suicide.

In a diary entry dated August 20, 2005, she explained how she was grounded after getting busted hanging out with an 18-year-old when she was only 13.

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“Now my mom doesn’t love me any more, she wishes I drop dead,” the now-25-year-old wrote at the time. “That hurts me so much and now I have no one to love me. I want to tell my mom that I’m sorry for being born because I know I was just another accident.”

She continued to write, “She’s also canceling modeling cuz she thinks I’m too ugly for it… she tells me I’m a lil whore. She treats me like I’m not alive. But then she won’t let me kill myself cuz she’ll go to jail or something.”

After the entry, she explained how she blamed her mother for things she never said.

“I know it reads like a kid just regurgitating what she heard, but I know my mom didn’t say those things to me,” she wrote. “I must’ve been really upset, and made up a bunch of stuff to make myself feel better about being punished for something, at heart, I knew was my fault.”

But that wasn’t the first time she wrote about suicide, as she penned while dating a boy named William, “I cannot believe I was about 2 kill myself and film it.”

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“Another cry for attention, I am certain of it,” she wrote of the entry dated April 29, 2006. “This time I got the attention I wanted when my friend told William about the plan. It upset him and he decided enough was enough. He was tired of investing time in a girl who thought trying to kill herself were just things to try out for the fun of it.”

Although Evans explained that she never actually tried to commit suicide, she did admit to cutting herself.

“I tried cutting myself for the first and last time,” she wrote. “It wasn’t anything serious, just a few scratches on one arm. I tried it out because I had heard other kids at school talk about how it relieved stress and helped me get over bad stuff that was happening around them.”

Does the suicide bombshells surprise you? Tell us in the comments.

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