Ivy Leaguers Unable to Identify Toilet

PISS STAINED Scene of the crime

Welcome to the Honor Roll, a weekly selection highlighting the mind-bogglingly idiotic things that reasonably intelligent individuals do—more often than not while under the influence of alcohol—during the $160,000 paid vacation that is college. (Remember college? Probably not! You were so wasted).

Our first honoree comes by way of Dartmouth College, an institution rather dear to our heart. It seems a dorm resident in Hanover has had difficulty locating an appropriate waste receptacle (that is, one which disposes waste) and has thus taken to urinating in the communal laundry room "on a consistent basis over the past two weeks." According to an e-mail procured by Ivygate, this type of behavior isn't just gross; it poses a "serious health risk." You hear that, mystery pisser?! Stop relieving yourself near the washing machines! People are getting sick.