Must-Flee TV

Entertainment Weekly takes a look this week at summer's TV lineup. There may be a couple promising sounding shows, but in general our advice is to claw out your eyes now to save yourself a lot of pain. Debuting in August alone: Battle of the Network Reality Shows, based on a'70s show that featured actual, you know, stars; reality-based Tommy Lee Goes to College, hilarity and nipple slipping galore ensues; and Starved, a funny little show about four New Yorkers struggling with eating disorders. Because nothing screams comic gold like hacking up a box of Nutter Butters.

Even Pauley Shore is back with a show on TBS in July? Maybe Pauley's people should talk to Starved about a cross-promotional thing. Seems like a good fit. (MM & TG)

• Hot Summer TV [Entertainment Weekly]

Popping the Paparazzi

You'd have to be crazy -- or at least Russell Crowe -- to come between a paparazzi photographer and his livelihood. Those sharks are notoriously fierce about protecting their turf. (Yes, we know we just mixed the hell out of that metaphor, we just happen to find surf 'n' turf delicious, ok?) But the LAPD and Los Angeles-area prosecutors are doing just that by looking at ways to curb aggressive and physically dangerous activity by tabloid picture takers. Prompted, in part, by last week's Lindsay Lohan-involved auto accident, for which a photog has been charged with assault, the DA's office is hoping to rein in an incredibly profitable, albeit sleazy, corner of the entertainment industry. According to today's LA Times:

Police and prosecutors are exploring how the law might be used to make criminal cases against individuals who may be orchestrating some of the riskiest photo ambushes.

The investigation centers on whether celebrity photographers are being instructed on how to obscure their identities, block license plates, appearin the same place at the same time, or work together to force celebrities off the road and out of their vehicles.

We get the part about obscuring identities and blocking license plates, but that stuff about appearing in the same place at the same time? Consider our minds -- and indeed our whole ontological paradigm -- totally blown, man. (MM & TG)

The Aussies Take Hollywood

The Aussie media have certainly been flexing their down under gossip muscles this week. First, the Daily Telegraph landed Russell Crowe's first public comments (and apology) about his telephone ragefest at New York's Mercer Hotel, waving around his apology like it was Hitler saying "Sorry 'bout the Jews." Aside from last night's David Letterman appearance, Crowe's been regularly snubbing New York media since he arrived in town -- punishment, it seems, for poor reviews of Cinderella Man.

Now 60 Minutes Australia's Peter Overton has ticked off Tom Cruise with questions about ex-wife Nicole Kidman, which of course is off-limits when the only woman in Tom's life is Katie Holmes. Well, and Oprah. "Do you have a relationship where you talk ... a parenting relationship and talk professionally about each other's work?" asked Overton. That was all Tomboy needed, reported MSNBC's Jeannette Walls, before shooting back with a surefire interview-killer: "Listen, here's the thing, Peter, you're stepping over a line now ... and you know you are."

So much for celebrity journos being best friends with their subjects. Cruise should really have sister-manager Lee Anne DeVette look into scoring some of those interview agreement contracts Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have become so fond of. (David Hauslaib)

Entertainment Report: Quentin & The Simpsons

• After years of playing exclusively to the bed-wetting set, Eddie Murphy is gearing up to start cussing again. Quentin Tarantino has been trying to get Murphy to sign on for his long-gestating WWII epic Inglorious Bastards for a while now; in the process of that pursuit, Tarantino mentioned an idea for a fourth Beverly Hills Cop picture that Murphy really dug. The whitest-would-be-black-dude would only produce the movie. No word though on the status of the highly anticipated sequel to The Adventures of Pluto Nash. [The Sun]

• Sony announced today that its remake of the Pink Panther is being shelved, once again. The massively troubled production stars Kevin Kline and Steve Martin in the roll made famous by Peter Sellers. It's hard to conceive that a movie with both of those talents could be so shitty -- then again, it's hard to conceive that anyone could think that Peter Sellers was replaceable. [Reuters]

• Thom Yorke seems like the kind of guy who'd put his money where his mouth is. For all his whining and bitching about third-world crises and first-world apathy, you'd think the guy would jump at the chance to perform at Live 8. Apparently not. Radiohead has turned down a headlining slot at the benefit, claiming that Jonny Greenwood couldn't tear himself away from his newborn daughter. [NME]

• Long before Jonathan Demme started to direct really bad Hitchcock remakes, he made one of the few truly great rockdocs of all time, the Talking Heads' concert movie Stop Making Sense. Demme is returning to those roots, having signed on to lens a project for Neil Young. Earlier this year Young proved he was the toughest son-of-a-bitch on the planet when he delayed brain surgery to finish off some work on his forthcoming record. [Billboard]

• Matt Groening announced today that the Simpsons will finally make their way to the big screen. Plot details are nil at this point, but according to sources near the project, the story revolves around the family's effort to collectively propel themselves over a shark. [IMDB] (LH)

The Hell’s Kitchen Project

In spite of all the genocide and all the megalomania, the Nazis did bring the world some good. They gave us great stock villains for bad thrillers; they brought us the last war that everyone could really get behind; they showed us how good a guy could look in uniform. (They were designed by Hugo Boss.) Now you can add sex dolls to the list of unexpected benefits of the Nazi regime.

As it turns out, the most effective resistance mustered by the French during the war didn't come in the form of sewer-dwelling rebels, but in the form of infected genitalia. According to an article on Blogcritics, the Nazis began developing the doll, named Borghild, as an alternative for sex-starved soldiers in France, many of whom had contracted STDs from the local population. This "perfect automaton of lust" was also designed to reflect the beauty-ideal of the Nazis: white skin, blonde hair and blue eyes.

In a letter, Himmler wrote, "The greatest danger in Paris are the wide-spread (no pun intended, we're sure) and uncontrolled whores, picking up clients in bars, dancehalls, and other places." Obviously, Himmler wasn't taking into account the heart disease that follows a diet of creamy sauces and buttery croissants. (LH)

• The Nazis invented the sex doll [Blogcritics, via Fleshbot]

Photo: Nerve.com

Daily Dirt: Inaugural Edition

• Lindsay Lohan may have finally hushed up about comparing herself to Lady Di, but she's continuing to pursue legal action against the pushy paparazzi who crashed into her Mercedes for a couple lens snaps. She's retained high-powered L.A. attorney Jay Lavely, who's conducting his own investigation, separate from the LAPD. The lawsuit, supposedly, isn't about getting money -- it's about "sending a message."

• Try as hard as their publicists might, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did indeed cross paths at the Mr. & Mrs. Smith premiere. The newly platinum Brad, who caused a stir playing a veritable game of jump rope with the velvet ropes rushing around to the evening tabloid show anchors, was told to keep his distance from Angelina by studio heads a la Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at the Batman Begins opening. But her leather Versace dress proved inescapable, so Brad sauntered over for a quick hello before being ushered down the red carpet to for some additional photog posing.

• Paris Hilton's hacked Sidekick wasn't exactly her fault, but we can't say the same for Jimmy Buffett's celebrity number reveal. A little too much sauce might explain why he forgot his cell phone at a Delray Beach restaurant only to have it picked up by 22-year-old busboy Jason Martin. Normally an aging crooner's cell phone wouldn't too exciting -- unless it contained the digits of A-listers like Bill Clinton, George Clooney, Michael Douglas and Clint Black (okay, maybe some B-listers too). After a couple prank calls through the high-powered digital Rolodex, Martin offered it up for a quick $200, but Buffett's camp wouldn't bite and instead called the restaurant owner and the police. Martin is now jobless... and phone-less.

• Things aren't looking good for Michael Jackson, but that's been true for a couple decades, so why start now? First, he's back in the hospital for "routine treatment" of back spasms while the jury is back in the courtroom for Day 5 of deliberations. And while Jacko's fate may be in the hands of those men and women, they're also deciding the outcome of some online bets. Gamebookers.com is taking wagers on how the jury will decide, with the odds of him found guilty pegged at 7/25. They're also offering odds of 13/5 that, no matter what happens, he'll release a new album in the next two years. (David Hauslaib)

Late Night Damage Control

• Crowe Sorry for "Shameful Situation" [E! Online]


• Cruise Pokes Fun at Himself on Leno [AP]

A&F at BJU

We're not surprised that tattoos and piercings are verboten at Bob Jones University, but specific brands?

Abercrombie & Fitch and its subsidiary Hollister have shown an unusual degree of antagonism to the name of Christ and an unusual display of wickedness in their promotions. In protest, we will not allow articles displaying their logos to be worn, carried, or displayed (even if covered or masked in some way).

Hear that? You can't even carry a A&F sock in your gym back or else you're going straight to hell. But you could always have this lady sew you something and you should be just fine.

• Bob Jones University Dress Code [BJU, via WOW]


• Bob Jones U. Bans Abercrombie And Fitch [HuffPo]

Morning Roundup

• The Department of Justice doesn't care if you quit smoking or not. The DOJ intially planned to ask tobacco companies for $130 billion to pay for smoking cessation programs as part of a settlement, but now wants only $10 billion. Democrats and public health groups say the decision was politically motivated. They're right -- this is the most Republican decision out of this administration in years. Screw you, government interference. [NY Times]

• The chronically unemployed nation of France will improve because of "Gallic genius," the new prime minister, Dominique de Villepin, said yesterday. This is news to the one in four young people in France on the dole. They foolishly thought "creating jobs" would be the answer to their unemployment woes. Ah hah, hah hah hah hah hah hah, we laugh, in our shitty French accents. [UK Guardian]

• Since 2000, the Hispanic population in America has expanded by 6 million, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Half arrived via immigration; a high birthrate contributed the other 3 million, making Latinos the biggest minority group in the country. Since 2000, one out of two new Americans is Hispanic. When does one stop becoming a minority group? [Arizona Republic]

• IBM is looking to build a modern-day Hal. A joint effort between IBM and Swiss scientists will attempt to build a model of the brain at the cellular level. First up is the neocortex, which makes up 85 percent of the brain's mass and is the warehouse for language, learning, memory and complex thoughts. This is just the sort of thing science is not supposed to mess with. Don't they know that the man-made whatever always turns against them? [CNN] (AG)