We swear that it's during the warmer months—when fashion houses don't have to worry about water-proofing, warmth, or wear-and-tear—that shoe trends tread a little on the freaky side. It's how we ended with the much bemoaned Croc, its sinister antithesis the Ugg (popularized by Aussie surfers and TOTALLY a summer shoe!), and scores of other footwear that range from the outrageously unwearable Balenciaga lego stiletto to the disquietingly sparse "topless" sandal.

Some are strictly high fashion: Rodarte recently sent models down the runway in macabre spiked Louboutins that both magazine editors and Gothstitutes snatched up to pound the pavement in. Others prize comfort over style as brands try to make the most comfortable shoe ever and are thisclose to peddling recreations of the insides of Sasquatch's vagina that you can wear! On your feet!

As the temperatures rise, shoe brands start swinging their "creative" sticks around a little more haphazardly. Radar reviews this summer's most offensive in pedal fads:

FitFlops
Intended to sculpt your calves, butt, and thighs while you walk, the FitFlop is supposed to be your sneaky secret in trimming down—all without other people knowing you're doing anything but walking! The only thing that people will notice, though, are the two water-skis you've decided to sport on-land. For the fashion conscious (ha), they come in a variety of styles from fringed (ack) to this hybrid boot/flipflop thing (ack ack). But do they work? Er, as much as herbal remedies are effective in increasing girth and length.
Verdict: Not appropriate—at all. Get your ass to the gym.

High-heeled Crocs
Despite the ads proclaiming that "It's hard to believe the parents were ugly", it's still kind of like first seeing an unfortunate-looking offspring of two unfortunate-looking parents. "Ha," you want to laugh. "You're right!" You want to wink and point. But inside you know that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and smacking on rhinestone studs and a two inch heel won't win the kid a homecoming crown.
Verdict: Fairly egregious, but they go mighty well with Jansport fanny packs and hot-rolled hair.

Jesus Gladiators
I'm sure the savior would have been thrilled to see coked-out hip-kids rocking his (really) old-school look. Rising up to the knees (and further if you're short-gammed), these sandals were popularized by the Olsen twins way back last year but have been popping up on greasy haired princesses in the East Village. Now even you can afford them
Verdict: Meh. The right girl might be able to pull them off (read: if you're seven-feet tall and have been mistaken for Jessica Stam).

Ankle Wrap Sandals
We understand that oftentimes fashion is not about function, but these strange sandals with ankle coverings have us completely baffled. Like wearing a scarf but no shirt or cuffs but no sleeves, these sandals serve no other purpose than to pump up the egos of sartorial dare-devils. Whatever, as long as it's avant garde, daah-ling!
Verdict: Only if you're prone to having cold ankles—or if your first name is Aleksandra or Table.

Jellies
We're all about engaging in those nostalgia ridden back-pats every once in a while, but this is probably one trend that should have stayed on the playground. Remember why you stopped wearing them in the first place? The blisters? The yellowing? That weird slip-and-slide effect that'd happen whenever the temperature rises about 80 degrees? And we dare you to name one person you'd take seriously in a pair of translucent, glitter-pink Mary Janes.
Verdict: If you're into being ironic and shit, or if you actually spend your lunch hour playing on monkey bars.

Bottle-Opener Reefs
A favorite of frayed visor-wearing frat brothers (and their potbellied parents), these innocuous looking Reefs pack a surprise on the bottom. We're sure that there's some amusing novelty in being able to take off your sandal and open everyone's beers at Señor Frogs. But then again, nothing says "I'm a dirty bastard" like offering to pop the tab off of someone else's drink with the bottom of the sandal you've been wearing all summer.
Verdict: Okay during Spring Break and in college towns and other places where the population is too blitzed to realize that you've just rubbed your sole on the lips of everyone's Corona.