Maybe you didn't know this, but we're in the middle of a chewing gum arms race. Each week sees the release of a new product aimed squarely at the mouths of American consumers in need of fresher breath, whiter teeth, psychic powers, whatever.

Take Dentyne Ice Vanilla Chill, a product that beckons from the crowded supermarket checkout rack. While the package shouts "NEW!" (and whispers "artificially flavored" under its minty breath), the coupling of "chill" with "vanilla" is a bit confusing, even for the seasoned gum aficionado. Vanilla, as anyone who's ever read an alternative newspaper's personal ads, is pretty much a synonym for bland, so why trumpet your products vanilla-ness? And about that. Vanilla, in my experience, does not taste like metal. I've sucked on pennies with subtler flavor. As soon as that subsides, you're left with a standard icy mint flavor—and the normal snuff-like sneezing jag that goes with it. Clearly the vanilla's a tease. And not such an alluring one. If you're someone who describes himself or herself as "vanilla," maybe this is for you.

One question: Why not just call it what it is: Vanilla Ice, anyone?—Matt Haber

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• Other, more delicious varieties