FITS THE BILL Bobby
Do all of Britain’s female cops have extraordinarily large rumps, or is it just their unflattering pants? This is a matter you should be pondering, according… READ ON

RINGLEADERS Norris, Huckabee, Flair (Photos: Jonathan Jordan)
Less than 48 hours before the South Carolina Republican primary, former pastor/Arkansas governor/fatty Mike Huckabee made a brief appearance at a Clemson… READ ON

In the fallout of that nutty nine-minute Scientology commercial, everyone with a black turtleneck, handy-cam, and Internet access (except Steve Jobs) is unleashing a Tom Cruise parody onto the… READ ON

HEARSE SO GOOD Lohan
• Death becomes her: As supplemental punishment to her laborious 84-minute jail sentence following a double DUI bust, Italian Stallion-hunter Lindsay Lohan scores a two-day… READ ON

PIPE CLEANER Amy
• <a href="http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article710911.ece” target=”_blank”>Candid camera: Weathered pop singer Amy Winehouse debuts a video, this time showcasing her talents as an alleged crackhead and talking… READ ON

PANNED Katie
Scientology bride and Anna Wintour impersonator Katie Holmes returned to the big screen this weekend, costarring with Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah in the shoddy comeback vehicle Mad… READ ON

DERELICT Beauchamp
Scott Thomas Beauchamp, the Army private whose dispatches from Iraq the New Republic was forced to repudiate last month, was regarded as a “malingerer” and unreliable by some… READ ON

YOU WILL BE BORED Favorite Day-Lewis
Oh God yes, the Oscar nominations were announced this morning! Our excitement was rewarded with a slew of nods for bleak pics featuring quiet… READ ON

LATE SHIFT Chapelle (Photo: Money, Cash, Ho’s)
Patrons of New York’s Comedy Cellar who waited out a bunch of amateur yucksters on Sunday night had their patience rewarded when Dave… READ ON

COWELL PATCH Simon
As though self-involved thespians masquerading as wacky contestants weren’t enough, American Idol has been exposed by a longtime nemesis and the mainstream media as being nothing but… READ ON

BURNED OUT Delaney
Corey Delaney, the Australian party boy whose rock-hard abs, nipple ring, and steadfast refusal to kowtow to authority made him a hero to kids everywhere, is not… READ ON

You probably didn’t know it, but those airplane contrails you see up in the sky are part of the government’s plan to infect you with a nasty skin disease. Many… READ ON

Former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson has dropped his bid to win the Republican presidential nomination. Thompson’s statement: “Today I have withdrawn my candidacy for President of the United States. I… READ ON

SUICIDAL’S TENDENCIES? Mystery blogger
The identity of the female narrator (voiced by Kristen Bell) on CW’s Gossip Girl has thus far into the strike-abbreviated season remained a closely guarded secret.… READ ON