Welcome to the most elite nursery school in the land, where severe grade inflation ensures that the ruling class' precocious overachievers all feel like winners. At Harvard, it's almost impossible to graduate with less than a B+ average, and academic prizes are awarded like participation trophies at summer camp.
Over 90 percent of the class of 2004 graduated with honors, and there are 800 "editors" on the student newspaper, the Crimson (you can't tell a Harvard student that he's just a reporter).
Harvard might be known for its enormous endowment—$34.9 billion at last count, larger than the GDP of most nations—but in Cambridge, money can't buy you fun. The student government spent $16,000 on its funereal 2005 Springfest Afterparty, which was attended by all of 200 students. And in 2006 the university's humorless administration banned Harvardians from bringing alcohol to tailgate parties.
Money can't buy you cleanliness, either: A mysterious scabies-like infestation last fall left freshmen scrambling out of their dorms and into Harvard Yard, dirty sheets in tow. And you can forget about sexual healing. According to the annual senior survey, members of the class of 2008 slept with an average of just 2.75 people while at Harvard. Twenty-five percent of students did not have sex at all, and half of all undergrads had one sexual partner or less over the course of four years.
At the 2004 Harvard-Yale football game, Yale students—disguised as the "Harvard pep squad"—handed out white and crimson signs to Harvard fans, telling them that when held aloft the cards would spell out "Go Harvard." The prank went off perfectly. Harvard fans unwittingly confirmed what many already suspected: "We suck."
Notable Alumni: Ted Kaczynski (Unabomber), Jeffrey Skilling (former Enron CEO), Eugene Plotkin (indicted Goldman Sachs trader), Paul Bremer (Iraq Coalition Provisional Authority).
"How do you tell people you're going to Cornell without sounding like you're bragging?" asked a member of the incoming class of 2012 recently on collegeconfidential.com. Easy: Tell them, "I'm going to Cornell."
Founded about a hundred years after the real Ivys, Cornell's superlative is simple: the school most likely to be unintentionally left off a list of Ivys. "The easiest Ivy to get into but the hardest to get out of" is known for creating "rude, unhappy robots." Of the Ancient Eight, Cornell has the lowest incoming SAT scores, the highest acceptance rate (25 percent), and the poorest academic satisfaction among students, making it America's Best Safety School. (Last spring Provost Biddy Martin tried to ease the school's status anxiety by counseling, lamely, "We can worry about our rankings, or we can be who we are.")
Adding insult to injury, according to a survey on collegeprowler.com, Cornell is also home to the ugliest girls in the Ivy League—and that's saying something. Thankfully, rocky gorges surrounding the campus continue to provide the sweet release of death for those Cornellians who just can't take it anymore.
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