Radar 100
Dreams Deferred
100 reasons you can't sleep
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WIDE AWAKE? 100 reasons you can't sleep
1. Can't stop worrying about Britney 2. Hide-a-Bed too well hidden 3. Keep hitting speed bumps 4. Larry King won't stop snoring 5. Can't get those Nazi war crimes out of your head 6. That guard keeps shining his goddamn flashlight in your eyes 7. Person in next hostel bunk won't stop crying out in Afrikaans 8. Severed horse head is hogging the covers 9. Couldn't turn down that third helping of cocaine 10. Some woman keeps having sex with you 11. Mistakenly set white noise machine to "Panicked Cattle at Slaughterhouse" 12. Overcome by polar bear guilt 13. You'll sleep when you're dead, or in 20 minutes—whichever comes first 14. Breast and ass implants make it difficult to find a comfortable sleeping position 15. Determined to watch every last bit of cheetah-attack footage on YouTube 16. Still angry over the Sopranos finale 17. You smoke in bed—specifically, hickory bacon 18. People keep barging into your ATM vestibule 19. Next-door neighbor is hosting a live performance of Drumline 20. Discovered the Magic Fingers bed you've been enjoying has never actually been plugged in 21. Pajama ass-flap keeps flopping open adorably 22. You're the world's biggest fan of whatever piece of shit is on TV at 3 a.m. 23. Kitschy Virgin Mary night-light from Urban Outfitters suddenly seems in poor taste 24. Shouldn't have caught the Faces of Death marathon on cable 25. Tomorrow you will finally realize your dream: sex with Richard Belzer |
 
 
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NO. 42 Trying to catch 24-hour Laundromat in a lie
26. Too many high school grudges to settle 27. Filled humidifier with Red Bull 28. Keep rolling off roof 29. Staying up one more hour to see how Ron Popeil will blow your mind this time 30. Constantly interrupted by Christmas ghosts 31. Pillow is stuffed with bad checks written to the mob 32. Still pumped from John Stossel's latest "Give Me a Break" segment 33. Recurring nightmares about Sting and his lute 34. Cage is too small 35. Neighbor has his car alarm sensitivity set at "Gentle Breeze" 36. Aliens never seem to run out of things to learn from your rectum 37. Don't want to lose place in line for Hannah Montana tickets 38. Free futon you found behind Applebee's not the boon you imagined 39. New perm is too tight 40. The dream catcher above your bed is on the fritz 41. Homemade meth is a titch too strong 42. Trying to catch 24-hour Laundromat in a lie 43. Can't remember where you put that baby 44. Sweating out a garlic binge 45. Your floor plan: living room, LaGuardia runway, bedroom 46. Still a little nervous about the wine glass on the corner of the Tempur-Pedic 47. Because if you don't live-blog the 3:30 a.m. M.A.S.H. rerun, who the hell will? 48. The man next to you on the Greyhound just whispered in your ear: "If you're tired, you can rest your mouth on my genitals" 49. Sudoku 50. By not sleeping, have seven extra hours each day to drive through store windows |
 
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NO. 74 Still trying to figure out what you're supposed to think of Diablo Cody
51. The walls are so thin, you can hear your neighbors arguing about whether you're mentally disabled 52. Have a feeling tonight will be the night you finally pull the trigger on that Proactiv Solution 53. Shouldn't have eaten that last bowl of deep-fried duck embryos from Chinatown 54. Magic 8-Ball keeps requesting you to "ask again later" 55. Dreamland is actually a total shithole 56. Haven't changed your Facebook status in almost three hours 57. Clinging for dear life to a piece of flotsam 58. Restless tongue syndrome 59. Big baby need new diaper and bottle to go night-night 60. Won't sleep until you finish reading the latest Borowitz Report entry, even if it takes all freakin' night 61. Turns out Adderall tastes a lot like Mike and Ikes 62. Cable guy is supposed to arrive between midnight and four 63. Saw something on Dateline about how sleeping causes kidney failure 64. Seems like a waste of a hooker, no? 65. Keeping yourself up by repeatedly saying out loud, "Mrs. Bret Michaels" 66. Crawled into tent to discover Charlie Sheen rolling on a condom 67. Tomorrow you're telling your handicapped son he's adopted and loved much less than the others 68. Because somewhere, right now, homosexuals are engaging in sodomy 69. You just had to take that voodoo priest's parking spot, didn't you? 70. Pancake griddle no substitute for heating pad 71. Roommate practicing his Tuvan throat singing 72. Biohazard suit a tad too warm 73. Your hammock is suspended over the mouth of a volcano 74. Still trying to figure out what you're supposed to think of Diablo Cody 75. Your brain wants to sleep but your body wants to get rid of all that corn liquor |
 
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NO. 99 Still haunted by The Prince of Tides
76. Keep forgetting the chorus to "Safety Dance" 77. Your man didn't love you right 78. Waiting for Yes keyboard solo to end 79. Had eyelids removed to appear more youthful and alert 80. Thinking about how sweet life's going to be once you're a Suicide Girl 81. Perfecting the line "Give me the meat hammer" for tomorrow's porn shoot 82. Should never have ordered Ambien from Craigslist 83. Keep hearing the heartbeat of a guy buried alive in the wall 84. Still feel you have to sit in front of Best Buy all night to get a PlayStation 3 85. Plotting next moves in your 14 simultaneous games of Scrabulous 86. The manufacturers of Sleepytime Tea are a bunch of dirty fucking liars 87. Dad claimed there are no monsters under the bed "because the real monsters lurk inside our hearts" 88. New cellmate is kind of handsy 89. Impatiently awaiting news of Ace of Base reunion 90. In hindsight, shouldn't have filled the water bed with moray eels 91. The telethon's not going to watch itself 92. Still trying to think of a better comeback than, "Yeah, well, that's merely your opinion, Simon Cowell!" 93. You wet your sleeping bag 94. Suddenly realized you chose the path most traveled 95. Stupid baby in your stomach keeps trying to get born 96. Having second thoughts about green-lighting "Untitled Tom Sizemore Project" 97. That roast beef sub you found in the bus station bathroom just ain't sitting right 98. Contract with the devil expired 45 minutes ago 99. Still haunted by The Prince of Tides 100. Really half-assed that customer-service comment card at Taco Bell |
 
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05/22/08 12:55 PM
Related: Radar 100
Related: Radar 100
Posted by: Brendon on June 7, 2008 1:14 AM
Brendon is a terrible person. Seriously, I would rather have my eyelids crusted over with AIDS crumbs than see his terrible name on my screen, or read his utterly pointless criticism. Brendon = awful.
Posted by: vanpatten on June 19, 2008 12:08 PM
This article is terrible. Family Circus is funnier than this crap.