Will Arnett, Arrested Development's favorite son, mouths off on blind people, Amy Poehler, and the grossest commercial ever aired

This article is from the April issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here.

Will Arnett is standing at a Manhattan coffee shop, shoulders hunched, clad in a gray overcoat, navy fitted baseball cap, and blue and white patterned button-down, hard at work on his BlackBerry. I tap him on the shoulder. Without looking up, he responds, "Don't you ever touch me again, or so help me, I'll get my publicist down here to fuck you up so fast." All the while, his fingers haven't stopped moving over the keys. For half a second, I'm panic stricken—could Will Arnett be one of those stars? Then he cracks a smile: "Just kidding," he says.

Of course he is. Arnett has made a career out of puncturing the kind of grandiose arrogance Hollywood is famous for. His deadpan growl first cropped up on Fox's Arrested Development, where he played the spoiled heir and amateur magician Gob Bluth. When the series was canceled after three seasons amid a chorus of agonized wails, he moved on to films, starring in Let's Go to Prison and The Brothers Solomon, and stealing scenes with his wife, Saturday Night Live's Amy Poehler, in the otherwise forgettable Blades of Glory. This spring the 37-year-old actor will voice the eagle Vlad in Horton Hears a Who; play in Rainn Wilson's band in The Rocker; and ruin Poehler, Parker Posey, and Rachel Dratch's vacation plans in Spring Breakdown. Nonetheless, the soon-to-be star was kind enough to put down his BlackBerry for a few moments, take off his hat, and ask us to loan him some money.

Click here to read Will Arnett turn the tables and interview Radar.

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Will Arnett: Before we start ... can I borrow $1,700?
Radar: What's it for?
I'm trying to get my new toy line off the ground.

Toy line?
Trannie-babies! Little transgendered dolls for kids who are thinking about having sex changes.

Why don't we see how things go here and then we can discuss.
Fair enough.

I'm honored to have been asked to do this interview for Gaydar magazine. It is Gaydar, right?For a while, your wife's movie Spring Breakdown was scheduled to come out the same day as Horton Hears a Who. How do you think the two of you would deal with having competing films?
Well, thankfully, Spring Breakdown got moved. But we have another conflict of interest coming up. I did a bit in this movie called The Rocker that Rainn Wilson is the star of. That comes out on the same day as Baby Mama, which is Amy and Tina Fey's movie. But I look forward to trouncing them.

You and your wife have appeared in a number of movies together. Is that intentional?
To be honest, it's something that we try not to do. I mean, in Blades of Glory, it made sense because of the humor in us playing brother and sister. On Arrested Development, executive producer Mitch Hurwitz wanted her to come on and do this bit that she ended up doing for all three seasons. That was really fun. Everybody loves her, including me. And I should, because she's my wife. At that point, we made a conscious decision not to do stuff together. But it keeps happening! I'm in a few scenes in Spring Breakdown. They asked both of us to do Horton. We can't get away from each other.

When I was researching this interview, I was surprised to find out that you and Amy met before either of you were famous. How did that come about?

It was here in New York. I'd been acting and had a slew of defeats. Amy was well known from her work at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. We met through that, and within a year of dating, she went on Saturday Night Live. I like the idea that when you were researching this, you had a research team.

Oh, yeah. A staff of 20 people, all handsomely paid. Also, we hired private detectives.
Why wouldn't you? You guys spare no expense at Gaydar magazine.
By the way, I'm honored to have been asked to do this interview for Gaydar. It is Gaydar, right? My understanding is that you guys interview people who you think have great gaydar. I've got to say, mine is going off hardcore right now.

I'll tell you what sets off my gaydar. The voice of KITT in Knight Rider, which I understand you were almost signed on to play in February's TV movie.
Yeah. But if I had, KITT wouldn't have been gay anymore. He'd be bi. He/she. I'm not sure whether a car can have a gender without having reproductive organs.

How were you planning to prepare for the role?
I don't know. For me, that process is such a magical journey. It's an opportunity for me to utilize my craft and get in there and dig out the mouth of this character.

Which means what, exactly?
Talking to robots. Going to used car lots, new car lots. Hiding under the hoods of people's cars. That's tricky. It's okay in a Porsche because the engine is in the back, but in an American car?

You really have to want it.
Exactly.

But it ended up all being for naught, since the voice-over work you do for GMC precluded you from voicing a Ford.
Sadly, yes. I just came from the GMC office this morning, actually. I've been working for them for a few years now. It's been great. I supported myself for many years doing voice-overs here in New York. It's really tough doing those technical spots where you have to talk about "a 5.3 liter V8 Vortec Allison transmission."

Do you even know what that means?
No! But it's my goal to make it sound like poetry. I also used to do ads for this foot medication called Lamisil where the little animated guy lifted up the toenail. That always freaked me out. It's great. I like being a part of one of the grossest commercials in history.

Is that something you dreamed of during your youth in Canada?
What? How could you tell I was Canadian?

My Canada-dar is just ...
Now, that is just offensive. That is a hate crime.

I went to a hockey game last night, and this guy sitting behind me says, 'Would it be weird if I did the Gob chicken dance to you?'No, our crack team of researchers rooted that out. You're from Toronto, correct?
Yes. The mean streets of T Zero. T.O. Most people call it T.O. in Canada. I call it T Zero. T minus zero. T nil. T goose egg. Yeah. I grew up in the city.

Does that mean you're a rabid Toronto Maple Leafs fan?
That is true. When it comes to athletics, there's nobody like the Leafs.

You know, Dane Cook did a Red Sox promo for the World Series. Have you ever thought about doing anything like that for the Maple Leafs? Ripping off Dane Cook?
No. Besides, they were for TBS, right? They weren't for the Red Sox. Looks like the Gaydar research team wasn't so crack after all.

Ouch.
Honestly, if you guys just changed your name to Gaydar, you would sell so many magazines the first month. Just as a novelty.

I'll suggest it at the next staff meeting.
Sorry, I like stupid, awful grandpa jokes that have no payoff.

No, go with it. Just a few more repetitions, and there'll be a big payoff.
Yeah, I'm really running that one into the ground.

I understand that your dad was CEO of Molson for a while. Was that when you were growing up?
Well, I mean, that depends on what you define as growing up. I'm still growing up. That was in my twenties, so I wasn't able to maximize on the free booze when I was in high school. Thank God. That would have been a disaster for me and anybody near me.

You're probably best known for playing Gob, Jason Bateman's magician brother on Arrested Development. Do people ever mistake you for your character?
I've had a few people jump in front of me with a deck of cards. We were at a restaurant in Boston and a guy starts doing a coin trick. I loved playing Gob and doing Arrested Development. I couldn't have liked it any more. But when people call you by the name of your character in the street? It's bizarre. You sort of turn around like, "Hey, how are ya!" I went to a hockey game last night, and this guy sitting behind me says, "Would it be weird if I did the Gob chicken dance to you?" And I didn't really get it. What do you mean, "to me"? And I finally said, "Look, knock yourself out. I'm all for whatever you want to do."

Don't hate! They're just trying to keep the flame burning. Speaking of which, Gaydar has done interviews with some of your former castmates.
Who?

Jeffrey Tambor and Michael Cera.
I've never heard of either of them. They were on the show?

I can say whatever the fuck I want about blind people, they're not going to read this shit!Supposedly. And both of them have alluded to talks about an Arrested Development movie. Is that still going on? Is that realistic?
Talks are ongoing. Talks, it should be noted, are informal, out-of-the-blue phone calls between the cast and Mitch. Like, a month ago, I had dinner with David [Cross] and Jason [Bateman] in L.A. and we were kinda talking about it. Then Jason and I each called Mitch the next day. I think it's something that all of us would really like to do because it would be so fun to get back together and play those characters. But there are a lot of little details that have to be resolved, like who would make it, where, how, and why.

You and Amy did a rather ubiquitous Gap ad together. Is it weird seeing your face all over the city like that?
Yes. It's kind of peculiar. The first time I saw it, I was in Los Angeles driving on Sunset and they were halfway done putting it up. It was my full head and half of Amy's face, which I thought was fine. Just leave it like that. They got the money shot. Another thing is when people say, "Hey, I love your Gap ad!" You don't know what to say. Thanks? 'Cause I didn't really do anything, you know what I mean?

I'm sure you and Amy spent a lot of time thinking about and discussing your personal vision for the ad.
The different faces. We go to our book. We keep a book at home called Faces; it's just a huge book of Polaroids and they're all numbered. Different expressions and looks and stuff, and when we're working on a movie or a photo shoot or whatever, you might just go to the book first thing in the morning, like, "Okay, what am I gonna do?" A 17. This might call for a 69. It's a good day when I can drop 69 in legitimate convo. [His cell phone rings.]

What is that, the Benny Hill theme?
Yeah. I can't lie, I totally stole this idea. I was having dinner with my friend Zach Galifianakis, a comedian, and that tough-guy actor Ray Winstone [of Sexy Beast] was sitting behind us. We were both fawning, looking at him doe-eyed. Then his phone went off and it was Benny Hill, and we both lost it.

You know there's a YouTube video of a guy playing the Benny Hill theme with only hand-farts.
No way. Could you imagine getting the hand-fart Benny Hill theme on the phone? Let me take that back to the workshop. See what the gang can come up with. I'm always working with a team of scientists on something. Just trying to save the planet.

And you think the hand-fart Benny Hill theme might help?
Who knows? I don't know. I'm not a genius. Is now the time when we do the rapid-fire section? When you ask me for rapid-fire one-word answers?

Um, I don't have one planned.

Do you want a promotion?

Yes.
When's the next staff meeting? What are we talking, tomorrow morning?

Tomorrow afternoon.
Do you have a lawyer?

Not yet.
Look. I am technically not a lawyer, but I do own a suit. I'm going to come in with you. This is intellectual property bullshit and I don't want to bore you. I won't confuse you with the intricacies of all this. But you're going to pitch them a rapid-fire section. One-word answers only. That's it.

Rapid-fire with Will Arnett?
No, the idea's all yours. It'll be in the contract. We're gonna take Gaydar to the cleaners on this one. I should've asked you that first: Do you like money? Answer me, man. Rapid-fire. Yes or no.

Yes.
That's a good answer. [Points at a man with a cane.] That guy's not really blind! And I can say whatever the fuck I want about blind people, they're not going to read this shit! Fucking hell, man. I had a guy the other day ... I was eating in a restaurant, and no joke, I felt this tap on the heel of my shoe. I whipped around to really give whoever did it an earful, and it turned out to be a blind guy.

So what did you do?
What could I? I can't fight him! What do I want, a lawsuit? I'm not going to take my empire down that I built up. I spent years on this career, man.

Though Will Arnett was more than happy to answer our questions, he also had a few of his own. Here, the Horton Hears a Who star discusses Swedish bands, Celine Dion, and the dangers of coffee with Radar editor Matt Thompson.

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Will Arnett: So, let me ask you, are you nervous interviewing a big star like me?
Radar: No. I'll tell you what makes me nervous, though: drinking coffee during an interview.

Why? Afraid they'll have a coffee freakout?
No, afraid I will. I once had to call the Dutch director Lars von Trier on his lunch break. Which, being on Copenhagen time, came quite early in the morning for me. I had an espresso right before talking to him and was a jittery mess the whole time.

Wait. He's not Dutch. He's Danish, isn't he?
Yes.

That was the first problem. You called him Dutch. You probably thought his nickname was Dutch.
I called him Von Dutch, actually.

Oh, no. Remember them? What's up, 1999? So, tell me, where are you from, Matt?
Connecticut. Originally.

Originally—why do you keep saying originally?
I only said it once! We moved.

Everything is very conditional with you. Where'd you go to school?
Middlebury College.

Getting back to you ... How was the bud up there in Middlebury? It's a pretty strong bong school, right?Classic. Now it's coming together. How many ski days a year?
Actually none. I did not ski. I snuck on the slope once as a freshman and decided I hated everything about skiing. You're Canadian, though, so you're probably required to ski.

We skied a lot.
Speaking of Candian stereotypes: What do you think of Celine Dion wrapping up her stint in Vegas?

Oh, man! Is she done now? Down over at Caesar's? They built a nice big theater for her, didn't they?
They did. I wonder what they're going to do with it.

I should make a couple phone calls. Get in there and do a show.
Do some dramatic readings of those commercial voice-overs you do.

Just do some VO work on the stage. That's brilliant. I can't wait to call them and be like, "Listen, if you want to pack this stadium, you'll do the right thing and let me read VO copy."
Sounds like a new high for you. Speaking of high points and low points, I saw in an interview that you said Arrested Development was the best pilot you've ever been in. That makes me wonder, what's the worst?

I remember there was something really snarky I said in that quote.
Something to the effect of: "And I want every other pilot I've been in to know that."

That's so rude! But anyways, I still stand by that statement. Years later. The statement that shook the entertainment industry. That rocked it to its foundation. What was the worst ... I don't know. Some experiences weren't as great as others. I don't want to call people out just because they wrote a terrible show. So, getting back to you ... How was the bud up there in Middlebury? It's a pretty strong bong school, right?
It is. Though it's routinely put to shame by UVM.

You're going to get some pretty sticky bud at UVM. Good times. So do you have any family in the city?
My brother is a zookeeper at the Bronx Zoo.

Here come the lies.
No, dead serious. He told me once there's a blind guy that comes by exhibits all the time. And it's like, what are you doing?

He likes the sound of animals eating.
The sound of sad animals.

Oh, my God. That sounds like a Simon and Garfunkel album. Or a Swedish band. "Hello? Hello, Stockholm. We are Sad Animals." I spent a little time in Sweden over the past couple years. My brother-in-law lives over there. There are actually a few good bands from Sweden. They like to consider themselves to be superhip, the Swedes.
They're kinda precious.

A little bit. They're kinda detached. They use that as a weapon. It's like that Ben Folds line of fighting the battle of who could care less.
Right.

Points for quoting Ben Folds. I didn't even mention the five.
Did you know that there were only ever three people in the Five?

That's the kind of shit we're up against, man. Ben Folds Five and there's only three of them. Thanks a lot. I need that over the holidays. Not related: You gonna get liquored up for the holidays?
I'm guessing no.

Matt, take it easy this year. Do everybody a favor, alright? Please.
I have no idea what to say to that.

What you can say is, "No, thank you, I've had enough." How about saying that every once in a while? [Points out the window.] Hey, was that Tim Gunn?
Where?

You know, the fashion guy. He has that show. Gunning for Fashion, I think it's called. I'm sorry, I'm so jittery from the coffee. I feel like I'm ready to jump out the window.




This article is from the April issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here