Act Natural
100 ways we're trying to go green
This article is from the February issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here
GREEN LATRINE Poop softly on this earth
(Photo: Diane Suarez)
1. Powering down Grandma's respirator after dark.
2. If it's yellow, letting it mellow.
3. Definitely thinking about downloading some world music this weekend.
4. After first use, turning condoms inside out.
5. Finally extinguishing that backyard tire fire.
6. Turning down the air conditioners in our Malaysian sweatshop.
7. Using Bat Signal only when absolutely necessary.
8. Making sure the Hummer's fridge is outfitted with plenty of organically grown veggies.
9. When taking cabs, insisting that drivers turn off their headlights.
10. Lobbying to have acid rain renamed "purple rain" to make concept more accessible to Gen Xers.
11. Promoting "Gorp Day" at Yankee Stadium.
12. Although not carpooling, consenting to use carpool lane.
13. Switching from plastic water bottles to a wooden cup tethered around neck with twine.
14. Controlling the compulsive need to incinerate underwear after each use.
15. Naming firstborn "Inconvenient Truth."
16. Switching to paperless death threats.
17. Settling for slightly less awesome laser shows.
18. Forgoing baths for rigorous cycle of "wind-bathing."
19. Petitioning NASA to convert all space shuttles to electric/unleaded gas hybrids.
20. Offering our above-ground pool to big business for toxic waste disposal.
21. Switching to hemp implants.
22. Running dishwasher only to mask sound of masturbation.
23. Insisting that Baskin-Robbins workers wash and reuse our pink sample spoons.
24. Less grocery shopping, more bow hunting.
25. Waterboarding straight from the tap.
26. Forgoing paper napkins, and just wiping hands on pants.
27. Wearing computerized R2-D2 costume only at major sci-fi conventions.
28. Calling the White House every 10 minutes.
29. Spending whatever it takes to make the foot-powered Flintstones car a reality.
30. Devoting left pocket of jeans solely to composting.
31. Tithing 5 percent of our paycheck to the Rainforest Cafe
32. Advancing Winged Migration to number one in Netflix queue.
33. Donating old stacks of Rosie magazine to Alzheimer's patients.
34. Not buying that polar bear ankle muff.
35. Setting T-shirt cannon to low.
36. Asking, "Have I shamed anyone today?"
37. Praying on mountaintops so angels can hear us better.
38. Using only Energy Star–compliant vibrator and nipple shocks.
39. Taking bus to job at the Freon plant.
40. Unplugging all but our most essential lava lamps.
41. Instead of owning TV, watching neighbor's TV through telescope.
42. Replacing standard light bulbs with kerosene-soaked torches.
43. Washing the Escalade with citrus-based cleansers.
44. Instead of scooping dog turds into plastic bags, just kind of kicking them to the side.
45. When driving, flagellating self at every red light.
46. Buying a bunch of rain sticks from the hippie pagoda at the mall.
47. Eating only "found" food.
48. TiVo-ing anything Ed Begley, Jr.–related.
49. Compensating for our carbon footprints by liquidating equivalent consumers.
50. Taking long walks and pondering a world in which our kids couldn't enjoy huge indoor malls, too. |
 |
|
|
America's most unfortunately named colleges
100 signs your college isn't prestigious
America's dumbest college courses
Our annual semiscientific guide to the worst colleges in
America
A soldier in Iraq decided to write about his
experiences. He never suspected he'd start a war
|
|
 |
Share This Article
Like this article? Click here to buzz it up on Yahoo!