Radar 100

Help Yourself

100 self-help books you can do without

By Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, Mike Sacks, Ted Travelstead

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SHELF IMPROVEMENT We recommend you avoid these helpful titles

1. He's Just Not That Into You: He's Into Your Hotter, Less Whiny Friend

2. Tuesdays With Maury Povich

3. Seven Habits of Highly Successful Dock Whores

4. The Book About Angels for Morons

5. Suck It Up: No One in the Sudan Has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

6. Chicken Soup for the Impotent

7. Six Weeks and $80,000 in Elective Surgery to a Better You

8. All I Really Need to Know I've Ignored Since Medical School

9. Suicide: Do It

10. The Tapeworm Diet

11. AIDS, SchmAIDS

12. A Friendly Guide to Cockfighting

13. Who Moved My Bowels?

14. 101 Things You Might Have Accomplished If You Could Travel Back in Time to the Moment You Began Reading This Book Title

15. A Box Facing Southeast: Feng Shui for the Homeless

16. 101 Inspirational Speeches to Deliver During a Race Riot

17. What the Bible Says About Asians

18. The Postpartum Depression Coloring Book

19. Anal Only: Raising Your Christian Teen as a Technical Virgin

20. Bill O'Reilly: Who's Lookin' Out for Your Loofah Zone?

21. Feel Better With Lard

22. Tokyo on $750 a Day

23. 1,001 Vocabulary Words to Memorize But Not Grasp the Nuances of

24. Seducing Women With a Little Guile, a Positive Attitude, and $1,000,000 in Cash

25. Shut Up About Your Dead Wife! Dating After 60

26. Really, Must You? Sex After 70

27. Artist, Inventor, Genius: How to Think Like Leonardo (DiCaprio)

28. Buy Low, Eat Crayons: Stock Market Advice From a Retarded Person

29. The Three Numbers That Just Might Help You Win Powerball

30. Breaking the Yeast Curse With Deepak Chopra

31. The Joy of Grave Robbing

32. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Opposite Sex but Were Tasered for Asking Previously

33. Loving What the Hell's Her Name? A Guide for the Parent of the Unexceptional Child

34. Conquer Loneliness ... One Flamboyant Moustache Style at a Time

35. The South Coney Island Beach Diet

36. gary iz a fag: The Collected Wisdom of Public Bathroom Stalls

37. I'm Okay, You're Suffering From an Incredibly Rare Strain of Tuberculosis

38. Children's Unopened and Unanswered Letters to God

39. The Elusive Male Orgasm

40. tracy u need to get YOUR OWN MAN cuz you a skank!: The Collected Wisdom of Public Bathroom Stalls for Women

41. Conflict Resolution, the Pol Pot Way

42. "I'll Give You Something to Cry About": Insights and Inspiration From Alcoholic Dads

43. Steroids Made Easy!

44. 12 Days to a Thinner, Weirder-Looking Penis

45. 20 Places to Visit Before They're Ethnically Cleansed

46. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (And It's All Small Stuff), Unless You're Reading This in a Burn Unit

47. The Child of Your Field Hockey Coach Has Two Mommies

48. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amputation

49. Zen and the Art of the Segway Personal Transporter Maintenance

50. So, You're Attracted to Grandma

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NO. 6 Chicken Soup for the Impotent

51. I Beat Cancer Using the Power of Laughter and a Rigorous and Painful Schedule of Chemotherapy

52. If You Don't Buy Exactly 73 Copies of This Book, Something Terrible Will Happen: Mastering Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

53. What Color Are Your Parachute Pants?

54. Shittin' Pretty: Get Rich the Drug Mule Way!

55. 437 Middle-Age Women Share Anecdotes About Menopause for Some Reason

56. Flavor Flav's Illustrated Kama Sutra

57. God's Great! (Can He Help Me With My Gas?)

58. Dr. Phil Grudgingly Fulfills His Publishing Contract: The Audiotape

59. Your Values Are Just So Sickeningly Bourgeois: An Oberlin Sophomore Sets You Straight

61. Break Your Caffeine Addiction! ... One Crushed Ritalin Tablet at a Time

62. Yesterday Was Yesterday: Living Each New Day as if You Hadn't Already Ruined Your Life

63. Neurosurgery for Dummies

64. Six Weeks to Thicker Ankles

65. Some Women Are Also From Mars: Learning to Love a She-Male

66. Are You Sure You Want Seconds? Instilling Your Child's Eating Disorder

67. Jewing Your Way to the Top

68. 101 Half-Truths to Tell Your Mother About the Nursing Home

69. The All Food Court Diet

70. You Have No Idea What Sadness Is, Young Man

71. 101 Reasons Everyone Hates Your Stupid Face

72. The Lonely Planet Guide to Second Life

73. The Buttafuoco Touch

74. I Live in the Woods Beneath a Sheet of Corrugated Cardboard—And You Can, Too!

75. Drink Yourself Married

76. Natural Cures Using Counterfeit Pharmaceuticals They Don't Want You to Know About

77. "I Am a Highly Successful Internet Entrepreneur," and 300 Other Ironclad Lies for Your 20-Year High School Reunion

78. Coping With Your Hideous Vagina

79. "This Yo Bitch Talkin": Helping Your Pimp Help Hisself

80. Unlocking the Genius You've Kept in Your Basement for Two Years

81. "Why Are You Hitting Yourself?! Why Are You Hitting Yourself?!": Self-Esteem Training From a Former Schoolyard Bully

82. YOU: Grimly Eating Lunch Alone in Your Car

83. The Four-Minute Workweek: Sell Your Semen!

84. Complaining Your Way Into His Heart

85. I Think Def Leppard's Pretty Rad, Too: Communicating With Today's Teenager

86. The Enlightened Nut Vendor

87. Move the Fuck to Florida, Already: A Commonsense Approach to Seasonal Affective Disorder

88. Goodbye, Mr. Stinky Pinky: How To Stop Smelling Your Privates In Public

89. Curing Your Child's Schizophrenia Using Found Household Items

90. I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Get Off My Face

91. No-Nonsense Investment Tips From an Assistant Manager at Radio Shack

92. Sorry, Only Happy People Can Get Pregnant

93. Controlling Your Rage With Arson

94. Nostradamus' Predictions About Your Shitty Life

95. The Dalai Lama Wants You to Have a Jet Ski

96. Now What, Ya Asshole? Life Counseling for the Recently Fired

97. Multitasking While Weeping

98. Prance Away the Gay

99. A Spiritual Solution to That Rash on Your Thigh

100. The Great Imam Achmad Hamid, Praise Be His Name, He of the Islamic Republic of Iran, His Honorable Guide to Lovemaking

Photo Illustrations By Stacey Pittman (top image), Nicholas Rhodes, Ilgin Sezer

This article is from the November issue of Radar magazine. Click here to get a risk-free issue

10/24/07 7:00 PM
Related: Radar 100

The Secret: 1000 Pages About Something I Refuse To Tell You

Posted by: Eli The Barrow Boy on October 25, 2007 4:47 PM

todd-I'm tellin BOB !
And dont e-mail me again either.
I aint answering any questions...

Posted by: mike gretna bryne on October 28, 2007 6:54 PM

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