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Meet the Candidates

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BACKGROUND
McCain-75041417_10.jpg John McCain
Remembered as "a tough, mean little fucker" in high school. Sent to juvenile court for telling two girls to "Stick it up your ass." Graduated fifth from the bottom of his class at Annapolis. As his flight instructor put it, he was "positively one of the weakest students to pass our way."
Obama-76155091_10.jpg Barack Obama
Drank, smoked pot, and used "a little blow" at his tony tropical prep school. Has suggested that this behavior was driven by a need to escape from the confusion of his racially mixed background, a story line rejected by a fellow mixed-race classmate as "bullshit."
Romney-74067389_10.jpg Mitt Romney
The son of a hugely successful auto exec and governor, he was an unfailingly optimistic presence at his elite schools. Notes a classmate: "There was nothing jaded about him, nothing skeptical, nothing ironic." Nothing memorable at all, except for his "excessive sweat."
Edwards-74396578_10.jpg John Edwards
Was a casual pot smoker in college, where he sported a "neat mustache." Insists he took a job with a hedge fund to learn more about the relationship between financial markets and poverty. When challenged on the claim, he replied, "How else would I have done it?"
Giuliani-76854487_10.jpg Rudolph Giuliani
Started an opera club in high school. Recognized as "one of the pussies" in his college fraternity. As a young attorney, was "overweight, had a mustache, and was living in Queens." Advised wife of his intention to separate from her via TV press conference. Disliked by own children.
Clinton-76812983_10.jpg Hillary Clinton
Boasted in a youthful letter to a friend that she was writing atop a "stolen table, in a pair of dirty denim bell-bottoms, never-ironed work shirt, and beautiful purple felt hat with a purple polka-dotted scarf streaming off it." Later failed the bar exam. Was "amazingly nervous" in court.
Thompson-52996640.jpg Fred Thompson
"He was smart, but he was lazy," recalls a school chum, a sentiment confirmed by Thompson's yearbook quote: "The lazier a man is, the more he plans to do tomorrow." He was, however, able to muster the energy to impregnate his teenage girlfriend, sparking a small-town scandal.
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