Children of Men

Meet Hollywood's hottest new accessory: the gaybie

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LOOK MA, NO HANDS Proud new father Clay Aiken
Tom Ford wardrobes, Fire Island homes, and Le Corbusier chaises have long been coveted power gay accessories, but now celebrities like Clay Aiken and Ricky Martin are flaunting a new, even more exclusive essential: the gaybie.

Yes, the gaybie. A baby gayness hath wrought. Found sashaying down the uteri of surrogate mothers worldwide, providing self-actualization and status-faction to Hollywood's single fathers. (For the sake of brevity, and legality, "I consider sort of obviously gay despite publicist claims" is herein truncated simply as "gay.")

Gaybies buck the celebrity trend of adopting internationally. Take the August births of Parker Foster Aiken (son of Clay) and the as-of-yet-unnamed Martin twins. (Conceived with Ricky Martin's sperm and the egg of an unknown.) For one brief tabloid moment, both births stole Brangelina's thunder and brought attention to the hip new test-tube alternative for committed bachelors.

For his gaybie, Aiken teamed with his fortysomething record producer "lady friend," combining his sperm and her egg in a loving laboratory. The pair announced the news once the birth seemed certain. Martin's twins just sort of popped out—along with news of their existence—once the gestational surrogate had fulfilled her contractual obligation.

Both methods share one aspect—a hefty price tag. Obviously, not everyone has a willing fortysomething lady-friend record producer handy. For those desirous of a gaybie, a surrogate will often be necessary. Receiving payment for surrogacy is illegal in some states, but it's not in California. Thus, many gays flock to the golden state for their surrogate needs. (California is the home of Martin's surrogate, who has received surrogacy dollars before.)

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PAPA DON'T PREACH Martin's keeping his gaybie (Photo: Getty Images)
Growing Generations of California, a leader in the in vitro industry, advises clients to budget $115,000, inclusive of surrogate screenings and fees, legal expenses, and all of the assorted medical bills. Adoption is considerably less expensive, coming in at around $20,000—and it earns you a Federal Adoption Tax Credit!

With such a better price tag, why don't the power gays just adopt? Putting aside the narcissistic elements (we'll get to those later), there are a few pitfalls for the gay man, especially the single, discreet—to the point of not being out of the closet—gay man. Chief among these is privacy.

The investigative background check for any adoption can be grueling. Straights and gays can expect research of past relationships and inspections of their homes. Should a power gay start to think about that chatty ex in Promises, that "physical trainer" who visits twice a week, or the Dyna-Douche attached to his shower, he might get nervous. While arguably irrelevant indicators of parenting skills, these life elements may raise some eyebrows and, clearly, for a celebrity there's always the risk of tabloid-friendly tidbits finding their way onto TMZ.

For fertilization there is only one real question: "Did the check clear?"

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