Heather Thomas on her new book, and Hollywood's trophy wife obsession

A new book about privileged and powerful wives in Hollywood has the town talking—and trying to guess who the book's characters are based on. The book's author is a true insider: Heather Thomas, an actress, author, and Hollywood wife. Her book, Trophies, dissects everything from human growth hormones to trying to keep a marriage together in a town where anyone and anything can be replaced. People in Hollywood may worry about job security, but, according to Thomas, nothing compares with staying in favor as the wife of a Hollywood mogul. Radar recently caught up with Thomas to talk about the shelf life of Hollywood marriages, her past as a bikini-clad pinup, and what she'd like to do to the inventor of the mammogram.

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Radar: What made you want to write Trophies?
Heather: Probably a bad clam or that fungus that grows on rye bread. Seriously, I'd been screenwriting for years and no matter what the story, every female character I created was reduced in the development process to the same lame-ass cliché "movie chickie" who was obsessed with getting a boyfriend. And the meetings were so goofy! I still have notes on Disney stationery about my screenplay School Slut that read: "Jism is such a coarse word—spooge is okay."

When I had scripts at Disney, no character was allowed to excrete anything except tearsWhat other words are off-limits?
Oh, the rules change with every successive executive. When I had scripts at Disney, my [jism] experience was that no character is allowed excrete anything except tears.

Any thoughts on Hollywood executives?
Love 'em all, but wish they'd stay put for more than three months so I could finish my darn projects.

So you thought why not take back some control and write a book?
Gigi Levangie told me to write a book instead. And since I have a big flat lawn, I kept finding myself throwing fundraisers, and one day, the Trophies characters just sprung full-grown, like Athena, in my head and started talking and complaining and requesting assistants. But unlike Athena, they didn't leave my head; they stayed and had lunches and planned projects and started feuding. I needed to get them out.

In Hollywood, there's some buzz circulating about exactly who those characters are based on. You must be getting all sorts of people asking, "Is that based on me?"
Like I'd tell them if it was. ... Two people have tried to get me loaded.

Did that work?
No, but I enjoyed their efforts.

What inspired your characters?
My life over the past 20 years. You could say the L.A. experiential cup overfloweth with irony. Seriously, anything anyone says or does can and will be used as inspirational grist. [Laughter.]

You're married to Skip Brittenham, a high-powered Hollywood lawyer—so you see it all. Do you consider yourself a trophy?
A trophy? Technically no. I had more money than Skip when we started dating, because back then, I only dated losers, but he surprised me and I didn't have to support him. I'm friggin' high-maintenance to be a trophy.

Women in your book worry about being replaced by a younger model in Hollywood. Do you think wives in Hollywood live in fear of that?
They live in fear of being replaced by any model—like I wrote in the prologue: "Marion knew of some bodies and faces in town with a longer half-life than uranium."

One stalker brought me a stolen funeral wreath with a note saying, "You deserve to go to the same place as my floppy-tit-bimbo-whore girlfriend!" I thought, "Barneys?"In the '80s, you and Heather Locklear were often confused for one another. Both of you have the same name and were blonde bombshells in different series—you in Fall Guy and she in T.J. Hooker.
She was the blonde on Dynasty, I was the blonde on Fall Guy, like there was a difference. How could you tell us apart? We were both named Heather, we both did big-hair T and A. We were both on the same network. We both shtupped Lee Majors. [Laughter.] Just kidding.

Tommy Lee openly admits that he basically confused you two once. He was apparently watching television and said, "You're on television right now," and Heather Locklear replied, "That's not me, it's Heather Thomas."
He was probably just looking at the tits.

You had the bathing suit poster back in the '80s. You must hang out with men today who owned that poster 20 years ago and who knows what was going on. What do you think when you look back at those posters?
The pink one was the highest seller in history. I look at it now and think, jeez, that's one serious camel-toe. I was too young at the time to know better. And everything was ruched in the '80s.

Did you have tons of weird guys stalking you?
Legions. I mean stalker freaks climbing in my windows. One brought me an obviously stolen funeral wreath with a note saying, "You deserve to go to the same place as my floppy-tit-bimbo-whore girlfriend!" I thought, "Barneys?"

You're a native Californian—what's your ultimate evening in L.A.?
Short answer: Anything that isn't a fundraiser or an "informative evening." Long answer: Goofing with my daughter until her bedtime, tapas and drinks with friends, then any outdoor venue on a warm summer night. And if I'm still energized, go for dancing. Problem is at my age you have to wait for a fucking wedding or bar mitvah.

Will you go to a club?
There are some with dark lighting.

Who is the person you'd most like to meet if you could?
There are two: First, I want to meet the next Stephen Hawking. Second, I want to meet the person who designed the mammogram machine, plant my knee on their chest, and give them a righteous eye-watering titty-twister until they come up with something more humane.

People have this idea that it's difficult to be over 40 in Hollywood. What do you think?
Why don't you ask Sumner Redstone?