(continued)

THE ODDLY ENDEARING SCHEMER: Spencer Pratt vs. Chuck Bass
Spencer Pratt, the Machiavellian antihero of The Hills (and official Radar advice columnist), has a way with words. More specifically, Pratt knows how to take other people's words and twist them into little logic-defying pretzels that make you want to simultaneously slap him upside the head while congratulating him on the facility with which he toys with those around him. (He's similarly skilled in his dealings with the paparazzi.) Take the following exchange with younger sister Stephanie from earlier this season, after she confesses that she attended the birthday party of Spencer's sworn arch-nemesis, Lauren Conrad.

Stephanie Pratt: [Holding back tears.] "You're making me cry right now."
Spencer Pratt: "You're making yourself cry, thinking about what you did."
Stephanie Pratt: [Sobbing.]

But Spencer isn't some calculating weasel cyborg hell-bent on global domination! (At least not entirely.) As a result of girlfriend Heidi's self-imposed "relationship vacation," this season's Spencer has taken to pretty much just laying around on his couch looking mopey and eating junk food. He's handling rejection just like any other lovelorn twentysomething, except his teeth are whiter and he doesn't have to drag himself to work every day. "I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but I'm actually starting to feel bad for Spencer," a Hills fan—a female, no less—confided to us during last week's episode. "He's actually kind of, like, human." At the least, he's great at pretending he is.

Loutish Chuck Bass has undergone a similar transformation. Sure, he still gets high before homeroom and beds nubile young playthings and downs innumerable tumblers of scotch at important family functions, but it's not because he's an unrepentant monster. It's because he kind of hates himself! (A sentiment we wholly identify with.) Beneath the cocky exterior, you see, is a sad little boy with daddy issues and a girl he loves but can't have. (Do you really think that he believes all that nasty stuff he said to Blair last season? The truth was in his eyes!) He's already showing a softer side by being a decently supportive stepbrother to Serena. Who knows if it'll continue. We just know he has feelings.

WINNER: Bass. Except for that whole attempted rooftop date rape thing. Nothing really endearing about that.