The battle between Gossip Girl and The Hills

There are two types of people in this world: those who prefer The Hills to Gossip Girl, and those who go the other way. (We are unwilling to entertain the notion that a third type of person is enthused by neither.) There are clearly more who prefer their arch young adult melodrama sunny and fake-tanned: 4.7 million viewers tuned in to the season premiere of The Hills—almost twice as many who watched this season's premiere of Gossip Girl. But does that mean The Hills is actually better? To find out, Radar pitted the key players from each series in a steel cage battle to the death. Game on!

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THE PRETTY BOY: Brody Jenner vs. Chace Crawford
Earlier this season on Gossip Girl, when Blair asked to be filled in on any gossip she missed while taking sabbatical from Constance Billard, Serena replied coyly, "Maya finally made it into Brody Jenner's cell phone." The reference was an in-joke from the show's writers, who no doubt recalled the scene in The Hills last season when Lauren toggled through the iPhone of Jenner, her on-again/off-again boyfriend, and unearthed a bevy of slutty-sounding female names he'd accumulated in his capacity as Les Deux's in-house swordsman. (Like Maya has any shot of getting a 3 a.m. text when Bro-dog has "Bridget Wanna Bang" on speed dial.) A prototypical California surfer hunk, Jenner, the son of Olympian Bruce Jenner and the stepbrother of vacuous reality TV entity Kim Kardashian, is affable but bland—the perfect match for the similarly affable (at least superficially) but bland Lauren. She's no doubt thrilled that he's single again, but she'll have to claw her way through a pack of orange-skinned beach bunnies if she ever hopes to get at him.

Crawford's dreamy Nate Archibald, on the other hand, trades in Jenner's bonhomie and Vans for pensive stares and carefully tousled hair. Nate, you see, is tortured: about mediating his own desires (California!) with those of his coke-sniffing dad (Dartmouth!), about his secret love for Serena, about making sure little Jenny Humphrey doesn't fall into the wrong crowd (too late!). Real-life Chace also appears to be tortured about some things, though his well-documented bromance with a certain former boy-band member doesn't seem to be hurting his game with the ladies.

WINNER: Crawford. Brody owns the peroxide-blonde set, but Chace's appeal goes both ways.

THE ODDLY ENDEARING SCHEMER: Spencer Pratt vs. Chuck Bass
Spencer Pratt, the Machiavellian antihero of The Hills (and official Radar advice columnist), has a way with words. More specifically, Pratt knows how to take other people's words and twist them into little logic-defying pretzels that make you want to simultaneously slap him upside the head while congratulating him on the facility with which he toys with those around him. (He's similarly skilled in his dealings with the paparazzi.) Take the following exchange with younger sister Stephanie from earlier this season, after she confesses that she attended the birthday party of Spencer's sworn arch-nemesis, Lauren Conrad.

Stephanie Pratt: [Holding back tears.] "You're making me cry right now."
Spencer Pratt: "You're making yourself cry, thinking about what you did."
Stephanie Pratt: [Sobbing.]

But Spencer isn't some calculating weasel cyborg hell-bent on global domination! (At least not entirely.) As a result of girlfriend Heidi's self-imposed "relationship vacation," this season's Spencer has taken to pretty much just laying around on his couch looking mopey and eating junk food. He's handling rejection just like any other lovelorn twentysomething, except his teeth are whiter and he doesn't have to drag himself to work every day. "I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but I'm actually starting to feel bad for Spencer," a Hills fan—a female, no less—confided to us during last week's episode. "He's actually kind of, like, human." At the least, he's great at pretending he is.

Loutish Chuck Bass has undergone a similar transformation. Sure, he still gets high before homeroom and beds nubile young playthings and downs innumerable tumblers of scotch at important family functions, but it's not because he's an unrepentant monster. It's because he kind of hates himself! (A sentiment we wholly identify with.) Beneath the cocky exterior, you see, is a sad little boy with daddy issues and a girl he loves but can't have. (Do you really think that he believes all that nasty stuff he said to Blair last season? The truth was in his eyes!) He's already showing a softer side by being a decently supportive stepbrother to Serena. Who knows if it'll continue. We just know he has feelings.

WINNER: Bass. Except for that whole attempted rooftop date rape thing. Nothing really endearing about that.

THE GOLDEN BOY: Dan Humphrey vs. ?
What can you say about Dan Humphrey? For starters, he's the perfect son and a loyal brother. He's only in high school but he's already had a story published in the New Yorker, which will probably serve him well when he applies to Dartmouth College, his dream school.

He reads a lot. He's in touch with his emotions. He's a great boyfriend. He's guided by an impeccable moral compass (remember the pool break-in saga?). He's funny and self-deprecating. We don't know if he volunteers or not, but we can assume he does. And not just because it'll look good on his college application, but because he cares. He really is that flawless.

On the flip side, there are no redeemable male characters on The Hills. Sorry!

WINNER: Dan Humphrey, by default.

THE BLONDES: Heidi Montag vs. Serena van der Woodsen
At first glance, ambulatory flotation device Heidi and reluctant debutante Serena van der Woodsen don't seem to share much in common other than their flaxen locks. But there actually is a tie that binds the blondes: both Heidi and Serena are trying to overcome their past "bad girl" reputations by making nice in the present.

When we first met Serena, we learn that part of the reason she went to go cool her heels in boarding school is because she slept with her best friend's boyfriend. Last year, Heidi similarly went all "dicks before chicks" by choosing to spend every waking moment of her life with Spencer instead of Lauren, and otherwise acted like a total backstabber by throwing her Bolthouse co-worker Elodie under the bus to get a promotion. But times have changed! On this season of The Hills, Heidi instead comes off as a confused, slightly irrational girl who just wants to have friends again. She's done with the drama! Just like Serena, who has turned the corner on her "wild" phase and just wants to cuddle with her boyfriend and is totally not into crazy Georgina coming back to town.

Also, they both have fake noses.

WINNER: Heidi. Both Janet Malcolm and Chuck Bass would agree that Serena can be a bore, and her Virgin Mary act is getting old. We don't know whether to believe that Heidi really has changed (odds are she hasn't), but we'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

KID-SISTER ACT: Stephanie Pratt vs. Jenny Humphrey
Once relegated to supporting roles, both Stephanie and Jenny have emerged as conniving, social-climbing vixens who are not to be taken lightly. Pratt's lost a bit of baby fat—that'll happen when your every meal is filmed and later broadcast on national TV—and she slithers in her new skin. Most impressively, she managed to weasel her way into Lauren's life by engaging her in some light computer-class chatter. Of course, after both Heidi and Spencer express displeasure at her choice in new BFF, she feigns total surprise. "Don't trust her," Brody warns Lauren over a friendly dinner. Brody knows! He's dealt with her before!

Once an outsider, Jenny, on the other hand, has taken to dropping yogurt on the head of displaced empress Blair and otherwise mocking her from her newfound perch atop the Constance Billard social hierarchy. She's got a battery of obsequious helper-monkeys ready to carry her books at the drop of a hat, and, more important, the innate desire to run the show.

But neither is as self-assured as she likes to pretend. Stephanie did cry after her brother berated her for hanging out with Lauren. The tears may have even been genuine! Jenny's issues are more complicated: For one, she's a poor, which is rather problematic (witness the Valentino dress saga). She has to bring lunch to school in a paper bag, and it's horrifying! She's also young—her stupid dad who doesn't understand anything won't even let her date! It's a wonder she's able to get up each morning.

WINNER: Stephanie Pratt. The unknown depths of her shadiness intrigue far more than Jenny's popularity plight.

QUEEN WANNA-BEES: Blair Waldorf vs. Lauren Conrad
If you were to put a road sign in front of Lauren and Blair on their respective shows, it would read "DO NOT CROSS" in bold, black type. In the three-plus seasons of The Hills, Lauren has matured from a wide-eyed Los Angeles neophyte to the full-fledged Queen of the Condos. Gone are the poor-little-LC days of Laguna Beach, when she lost that dude whose name we can't remember to Kristin Cavallari. Piss off Lauren now and you'll hear about it. Hapless Audrina honestly seems scared to open her mouth in front of her anymore for fear of getting a dismissive tongue-lashing.

The same obviously goes for Blair, who recently made sure that a competing classmate bombed the SATs by getting the girl's ex-boyfriend to rebreak her heart the night before the test. Yet beneath the bitchy bravado, these ice princesses are more fragile than they let on. Lauren still cries over Brody—the idea that she's maybe not good enough for him eats at her soul. Blair is still prone to occasionally shoving a finger down her throat because she hates herself. Wouldn't you know that, at heart, both are just ... deeply insecure?

WINNER: Blair Waldorf. When push comes to shove, Lauren still plays in the minor league of manipulation. She may be able to ruin your night at Goa, but Blair can ruin your life.

THE OTHERS: Vanessa Abrams vs. Audrina Patridge
Smart, sane Vanessa is the voice of reason who isn't afraid to tangle with the rich kids. (We personally find her annoying, but whatever.) Audrina isn't so smart, but she knows enough to refrain from picking sides in the Lauren-Heidi drama. (She's kind of like Switzerland!) Both have put their friendships ahead of their own interests—a rarity on their respective shows. Audrina uses what little mental strength she can muster at any given point to maintain her friendship with Lauren, even though Lauren increasingly looks at her with absolute contempt. Vanessa put her unrequited love for Dan aside by helping him craft a special Christmas surprise for Serena, even though she hated her.

They also both share poor judgment when it comes to boys: Audrina just can't quit Justin Bobby. It must be that hair! Or the motorcycle. Meanwhile, Vanessa has suddenly fallen for the troubled but dashing Nate. It must be those eyes! Or the private limo.

WINNER: Audrina. Her sweet blankness is oddly compelling. Watching her navigate life in L.A. is like watching a tourist stumble around a foreign city: She looks completely dumbfounded at all times, and there are probably a million reasons why.

THE GREEK CHORUS: Whitney and Lo vs. the Gossip Girl clique
According to the 100 percent accurate Wikipedia, the Greek chorus "offers a variety of background and summary information to help the audience follow the performance. It comments on themes, and shows how an ideal audience might react to the drama." Gossip Girl's is the racially diverse, interchangeable group of aspiring socialites who cling like brain-dead remora fish to whichever girl is more popular on a given day. The Hills has Whitney and Lo.

Constance Billard's leading clique doesn't really have much to say: They simply prop up whoever can secure a table at Butter and refrain from associating with whoever can't. Their inability to exercise free will or say anything remotely thought-provoking is sort of the point! Whitney and Lo, on the other hand, are more than mere characters the producers trot out when they need someone to get Lauren to explain the previous night in 12 seconds. (Though they are exceedingly good for that.) We hear that the gorgeous Whitney Port is not as dumb as she looks; her skill at subtly undermining Lauren both in and out of the workplace has become a weekly highlight. Also, it was pretty funny that one time Lo sucked face with Frankie Delgado.

WINNER: Whitney and Lo, if only because we actually know their names.

And there you have it: a tie! Gossip Girl and The Hills are both equally valid ways for you to waste time that you should be spending learning things. Enjoy!