Think New York has lost its edge? Meet Sandy Kane, cable's queen of dirty jokes

I was first introduced to the comedic stylings of Sandy Kane 10 years ago at a party called Foxy, where drunk guests were encouraged to perform filthy acts in exchange for drink tickets. As I downed my umpteenth vodka and catatonic, a half-naked floozy with lit birthday candles in her inverted nipples came onstage and started singing a little ditty titled "I'm Gonna Rock Around Your Cock Tonight."

Imagine Weird Al Yankovic with double-Ds, stringing together corny Borscht Belt jokes and pornographic parodies of pop classics. Then you'll have a taste of Sandy's shows. In Kane's performances, Laura Branigan's "Gloria" becomes "a cocksucking warrior, from Queens, Astoria," sung in a nasal inflection that would make Fran Drescher's hair fall out, all while Sandy shakes her startlingly white, startlingly bare ass.

In addition to being a late-night staple with her show, Sandy Kane's Midnight Blew, Ms. Kane is a lovable throwback to Times Square gone by, and has lived quite a life—as a singer-songwriter, public access TV star, and as the world's foremost (and only, I think) stripper comedienne.

Here, the bawdy vaudevillian chats candidly with Radar about her stripper salad days, (alleged) rapes of the rich and famous, and tells New York–hating Madonna where to go.

Warning! Language and images are very much NSFW!

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RADAR: Where did you grow up?
SANDY KANE: I was born a little JAP in Newark, New Jersey, which used to be all Jews. I never even met a Gentile till I left home. I thought a Gentile was a floor covering. In 1970, I moved to NYC.

How does a Jersey JAP get into stripping?
It was never my dream to drop my top for a living. Even when I'm in a steam room, I'm shy. I leave my panties on. But when the rent is due, you gotta do what you gotta do. I had no money, but I did know this this lesbian named Lightning, a stripper from Show World who looked like Barbra Streisand. She knew my situation and said, "Okay, be here tomorrow at 11 a.m."

Wow, they open early. For the lunch crowd, I guess.
The peepshow booths there were the best thing I ever did in my life. People were awesome at Show World. "You drop it, we mop it!"

The strip club manager asked me, "Did you steal Sherry's muffin?" I said no, but there were crumbs on my titties. They told me, "Pack up your g-strings and get the fuck out"An oldie but a goodie. So you were working in the peepshow booths ...
I was nervous at first. Some customer was like, "Bend over and show me your asshole." I was crying, saying I can't do this. Lightning said, "Wait a minute. You got tits, you got a pussy, you can do this."

That's actually a good motto to live by.
That bitch Lightning was right. I worked everywhere: the Metropole, Mardis Gras, the Las Vegas Club, which was really sleazy—you were totally naked and the poor men were charged $100 for glasses of seltzer.

You couldn't have booze and beaver in the same room.
It's still that way. Then I worked at Flashdancers. But was fired for stealing another stripper's muffin.

DIRTY PRANCING Ms. Kane's bawdy take on the '80s anthem "Gloria"

What? Wait, really? That's hilarious.
It was in the dressing room. I was hungry! The manager asked me, "Did you steal Sherry's muffin?" I said no, but there were crumbs on my titties. They told me, "Pack up your g-strings and get the fuck out." So, I was taken out by a blueberry muffin. Eventually I started doing open mikes and got my start in comedy.

And you've been a late-night television staple for how long now?
Fourteen years in July! I won the public access Oscar for the show, which used to be called Sandy Kane's Blue Comedy Show. Now I call it Sandy Kane's Midnight Blew. There's no money. It's a labor of love. I mean, my own mother has never watched it, God bless her, kenahora.

Do you miss the old sleazy Times Square?
You know, Madonna recently said in Vanity Fair, "New York isn't what it used to be in the '80s, when I was coming up." I was offended. It's like, Fuck you, Madonna, you cunt! New York is still the greatest city in the world. It sure beats fucking London. Stay there. How dare you, bitch!

But you've got to admit, the old days were fun.
Yeah I liked the Midnight Cowboy Times Square, with the dirty movie theaters, like Box Lunch, Deep Throat. It was forbidden ... why not be sleazy? The three-piece-suit squares would come after work, masturbate, and go home to the wife and kids.

Tell me about the time you were assaulted by Phil Spector.
He came to see me at the Improv. I was dating David Brenner at the time, who I was crazy about. I was never into musicians, only comics. Men who made me laugh got to my pussy—as long as they had cocaine! But Phil had a big stretch limo and was wearing a black cape.

Uh-oh. Alarm bells should have rung right there.
Whatever. I was trying to be the next Madonna, so he was a god to me. Phil said, "Oh, baby, I'll take you to the studio." He was drunk and coked up. Coke was like a full-time job for me back then. (I used to do drugs in the '80s. Now I do 'em at any temperature.)

He took me to a suite on Central Park South, made me blow him—with a gun to my head. So I started singing "Be My Baby," saying, "I love you, Phil, please don't hurt me." I think he killed that poor girl. She certainly didn't kill herself. His dick wasn't too big—that I remember.

Probably why he needs the gun. Didn't you also get in a tussle with Richard Pryor?
Yes. He was totally nuts. I was at a dinner with him and Andy Kaufman, and he said, "Wanna do coke with me and Miles Davis?" Hell, yeah. We went to a really sleazy hotel, no Miles, no coke. That's right, I hung out with Richard Pryor the one night he ain't got coke! Then he forced himself on me. If you're going to get raped, make sure it's by a celebrity.

I had the same manager as Billy Joel. But Billy Joel wound up at Columbia, and I wound up in a women's shelter. Every time I hear "Piano Man," I go, "Oh, shit"What does the future hold for Sandy Kane?
I just filmed a pilot for Comedy Central with Opie and Anthony, with lots of big-name comics. I'm going to do the Naked Cowgirl and perform in Times Square. I figure someone's gotta fucking do it. After all, I started out a singer-songwriter, playing guitar. Now I just rewrite songs, so "I Wanna Hold your Hand" becomes "I Wanna Hold Your Gland."

Oh, I'm quite familiar with your oeuvre!
People love my "Gloria," more than Laura Branigan's original. People fly in from Texas to see it. I released a few records way back, one on MGM. The guy that managed me also had Billy Joel. Billy Joel wound up on Columbia, I wound up in a women's shelter, having lost everything. Every time I hear "Piano Man," I go, "Oh, shit."

You're on Opie and Anthony's show quite a bit, but they abuse you pretty terribly. Are you a masochist?
They always make me a loser, they love to abuse me. I love them, though, and Howard Stern, too, who's really a total gentleman.

Getting down to the real dirty bits, who's this "Twatto" you've talked about on air? Sounds like a little chihuahua.
Oh, Twatto is a growth on my vagina, or right above it. One day he showed up. I swear I got it from shaving. So now he's on the radio with me. On the Opie & Anthony Show, Anthony named it Twatto. He's Twattos godfather. I did the show with Carrot Top. You know him?

Oh, God, yes. As a redhead, I fucking hate him. I know he called Twatto the grossest thing he's ever seen. Guess he hasn't looked in the mirror lately.
Whatever. I'd take his career. He plays Vegas all the fucking time. Besides, he dyes that shit, and wears a piece. I'm not the spring chicken, hot shit new comic. Like that hot chick on E! late night.

Who, Chelsea Handler? She ain't that funny. Plus, she lies about her age—says she's 32. She has shoes that are 32.
Whatever, she's very hot. She should put me on her show. She looks great—she doesn't need to lie about her age. Don't hustle a hustler!

Now the requisite politics question: Who are you going to vote for?
I have never voted.

That's refreshing—most people just bullshit you and say Barack.
I would vote for Hillary, or Obama maybe. Everyone says what a great speaker he is. I've heard him twice and didn't like him! JFK he isn't.

BEGGING YOUR PARTON Sandy Kane's ode to Dolly's ladybits

Tell me about your "Parton Me, Dolly" project. Frankly, I don't trust people who don't like Dolly Parton.
People always think I'm Dolly Parton. I'm a little jealous of her. I cover her song "Here You Come Again (In My Mouth)." She made that right here in NYC. So I'm doing this movie, covering her songs. Now all of a sudden her career is doing great, she's doing Nine to Five on Broadway, touring, American Idol.

Do you feel personally responsible for her comeback?
Yes! And my songs are better than Dolly Parton's!

What?! She's the best. Let's not get in a fight here, Sandy.
I recently wrote a song to Jesus: "I Love to Worship." It's a great song and Jesus loves it when I sing it to him. He's always been there for me.

Wow—you're a Jew for Jesus. What do you want God to say to you when you arrive at the pearly gates?
I never want to arrive at the goddamned pearly gates. Fuck that. But I guess I'd like him to say, "Keep it up, bitch. Keep going."

Any message for your fans?
Just follow your dreams, whether they're wet or dry. You're not going to be an asshole to me in this article, are you?

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Watch Sandy Kane's Midnight Blew every Friday Night on New York City's MNN Time Warner Channel 57.

For more info and performance dates, visit:
Myspace.com/sandykane.