Tired of counting delegates? Try some campaign astrology

There are undoubtedly some fundamental differences between the two 2008 Democratic presidential hopefuls, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. She's white and he's part white. He's a man and she's a woman. One voted for the war in Iraq, one did not. One is better equipped to handle a fictional 3 a.m. emergency phone call and one is ... an extremely awkward dancer.

However, with all the coverage parsing the pair's qualifications and policy quibbles, there has been one glaring omission: their zodiac signs. Barack Obama is a Leo, while Hillary Clinton is a Scorpio. The two signs, while both passionate and full of leadership potential, are fundamentally at odds—Scorpios are secretive, while Leos tend to overshare. Leo craves the limelight, while Scorpio huddles in the back room crafting plans for global domination. (Everyone who does theater tech is a Scorpio.) In short, the stars indicate that the fight for DNC nomination could be a celestial grudge match. Frankly, we're surprised Chris Matthews hasn't noticed this by now.

Think astrology is so much new age BS? Well, you're smarter than 25 percent of Americans. But, just for fun, set that intellectual skepticism aside and consider an astrological overview of the candidates' good and bad personality traits.

BARACK OBAMA: LEO
August 4, 1961

THE GOOD:
Broad-minded and expansive	Who is better than Obama at stirring the masses with ambiguous language and expansive feel-good themes?
Creative and enthusiastic	Would will.i.am have written a song about a brother who was any less?
Faithful and loving	No sex scandals so far!

THE BAD:
Pompous and patronizing	On April 4, Obama called a factory worker in Allentown, Pennsylvania, "sweetie."
Bossy and interfering	Well, Obama did have his passport interfered with by government contract workers.
Needs to be the center of attention	In his book The Audacity of Hope, Obama hates on baby boomers—including Bill Clinton—and trumps up his own appeal.

HILLARY CLINTON: SCORPIO
October 26, 1947

THE GOOD:
Determined and forceful	Delegate math be damned. Hell, no, she won't go!
Powerful and passionate	She just doesn't want us to slip back, people! Did you hear she cried on national TV?
Exciting and magnetic	Love her or hate her, Clinton's persona has kept the public interested in her for years.

THE BAD:
Jealous and resentful	Hillary has been accused of playing the victim card too many times. As for jealous—Monica Lewinsky is still alive, is she not?
Compulsive and obsessive	Some might add the noun "liar" with these adjectives, now that some of her campaign trail stories have been debunked.
Secretive and obstinate	Transparency is not a Clinton virtue. Do you think Hillary released those tax returns out of the goodness of her heart?

Still having trouble wrapping your liberal mind around advice from Miss Cleo? Personality traits aside, let's look back at key days of the campaign in 2008 to see if the results really were written in the stars.

January 3 and January 9, 2008: Obama wins Iowa, Clinton wins New Hampshire
Horoscopes said: In the month that started it all, Leos were expected to make "abundant income and gains," while Scorpios were facing "a volatile and difficult phase which will bring hurdles...." Since Clinton was widely expected to walk away with both wins, that would be one way to describe the close race that has followed.

March 18, 2008: Obama delivers speech on race
Horoscopes said: Had Obama consulted his astrological chart, he would have seen the trouble on the horizon for being associated with pastor Jeremiah Wright, as it was predicted that "[c]ontroversy ... could prevail" for Leos until March 14, 2008. On second thought, maybe he did consult his charts, because he waited until March 18 to deliver his well-received speech on race relations in response to his opponent's attacks.

April 6, 2008: The Clintons finally release their tax returns
Horoscopes said: No coincidence here, as January was a time for Scorpios when "expensed/taxed" issues were to arise, followed by March, when "monetary issues" were possible.

April 22, 2008: Pennsylvania primary
Horoscopes said: With both candidates campaigning hard for the all-important blue-collar vote, Clinton seems to have a slight edge, because Scorpios are "poised for growth due to hard work" and Leos are in for an "unsettled and somewhat difficult time."

August 2008: Democrats announce their candidate
Horoscopes said: The back-and-forth comes to a screeching halt on August 25, when Democrats open their national convention in Denver and formally submit their candidate. What say the planets? That it's anyone's game. Scorpios are predicted to have "gains from government sources," with Leos counterpunching with an "improvement in confidence and luck."