Gynecologists say the darndest things

By now, everyone's heard the urban legend about the woman who tried to "freshen up" before going to the gynecologist by spritzing herself with what she thought was perfume (apparently a shower hadn't occurred to her) but turned out to be ... glitter body spray! And so when the gyno peered beneath the hood, he uttered a reverent cry of "Fancy!" (Cosmopolitan attempted to spin this well-worn tale as true as recently as a year ago.) Har, har. But ... so unprofessional! Gynecologists would never say such things!

Or maybe it's that no woman would actually be stupid enough to put glitter body spray in her nether regions. Because if she had, it's not unlikely that a gynecologist would say something in response! Something wacky! Gynecologists have been known to say some rather inappropriate things while their subjects are splayed out on the examination table, feet in stirrups, grimacing as the doctor inserts pointy metal objects into their vaginas. It's not exactly a time when women feel like carrying on a conversation ... much less hearing about, say, some positions they may find pleasurable during sex. Not okay.

We asked women around the country to share their tales of being the ultimate captive audience for aspiring comedians or just otherwise awkward practitioners of the vaginal arts. These are their stories.

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THE FLATTERER
"I once had a (female) doctor tell me my cervix was cute. Not sure what that means, but I took it as a compliment."
Kate, 28, Seattle

"My gynecologist recently told me I have an adorable uterus."
Sarah, 32, Brooklyn

"My gyno took a look and said, 'You know what? I'm going to use the baby speculum.' For a long time I thought it meant that I was special, but a few weeks ago a friend was telling me a story where her gyno said the same thing to her. I think it's just a gyno line. I'm not even sure that there are baby speculums, now that I think about it."
Ruth, 31, New York

THE CONNOISSEUR
"Looking at a vagina while you're getting an exam is like having a baby cow on display outside McDonald's right before you get your burger. No one needs to see a bunch of vaginas while the instruments are up there""At the gyno I go to, you are lying there and you look up and there is art overhead, like right where you stare up at the ceiling while cringing. It's African folk art of women spreading their legs with direct shots of the vaginas. Looking at a vagina while you're getting an exam is like having a baby cow on display outside McDonald's right before you get your burger. No one needs to see a bunch of vaginas while the instruments are up there."
Karen, 24, Miami

THE SKEPTIC
"I was in the stirrups and I had a big long scratch on my thigh from my cat. My gyno said, 'What happened here?' I said, 'My cat scratched me.' And he said, 'Riiiiiight.'"
Zoe, 25, Chicago

THE OVERSHARER
"He was 'down there' and casually started telling me how, in his job, you get used to all sorts of stuff squirting on you (poo/pee/fluids)."
Kristin, 29, Brooklyn

THE UNDERMINER
"It was maybe my second visit to the gyno. I didn't know how to communicate to the woman that I was still really uncomfortable with the whole process, so when she tried to insert the speculum I was having trouble keeping my legs open and I was really tense. She got frustrated and then told me that my muscles were unusually tight. In fact, she said she had never seen such strong muscles, and she felt that they needed to be loosened or I would feel pain during sex. So she told me that she was going to prescribe a 'dilator,' which I would use to help relieve the problem. She made a follow-up appointment with me for the next week so she could give me more details. However, I decided not to pursue this course of action because I just couldn't imagine using some weird medical device to stretch out my vagina.

"I told the next doctor that I went to what she had said, and my new doctor seemed baffled and told me that I seemed normal to her and I must have just been really nervous."
Alissa, 29, Brooklyn

THE COUNSELOR
"In college, I went to the gyno and told her it hurt sometimes when I had sex. My gyno (who bore an uncanny resemblance to Felicity Huffman) told me I was experiencing discomfort because of my tilted uterus and added, 'You might want to try doing it doggy style. I think you might find that ... pleasurable.' And then I nodded uncomfortably and let her change the subject."
Jessica, 26, Brooklyn

THE SHOCKER
"My former gyno in California didn't say anything specific, but she did stick her finger in my ass without telling me she was going to beforehand. I usually prefer being asked politely before any sort of anal play, so I promptly switched gynos and laid down some very specific ground rules before depantsing myself again."
Heather, 24, New York

THE PERSIAN VERSION
"I went to a gyno in L.A. who was Persian (there are lots of Persian Jews in Beverly Hills). He told me I had more of Persian vagina/hair layout than Ashkenazi—I guess because I hadn't waxed?"
Caroline, 30, New York

"The doctor was an old Iranian man—I picked the name out of my insurance provider's list, not having any idea about the gender. I just wanted an appointment on the quick. He told me I had a 'nice, long cervix.' I never went back."
Julie, 29, New York

THE DUDE
"I got a 'That's weird' once from a guy gyno. It was regarding an irregular period. It probably doesn't need to be said that I would have preferred a more clinical opinion than that."
Claire, 29, Chicago

THE COACH
"I got 'fitted' for a diaphragm once and it was pretty weird. The assistant had me practice putting it in and taking it out ... in front of her. She told me to fold it like a dumpling (which it did look like). It was ridiculously embarrassing."
Lisa, 31, New York

THE SIZEIST
"I went to this Chinese lady in Tribeca. She told me I was heavy and that I needed to walk more."
Harriet, 30, New York

THE ENTIRE PROFESSION
"I think that the standard questions they ask you are embarrassing enough. Are you still with your same partner since your last visit? No? Are you with someone now? Oh? How many? So, how many partners have there been since I last saw you? And have you used protection?"
Lisa, 24, Jersey City

THE NEXT GENERATION
"I had an appointment recently and agreed to let a nursing student who was shadowing the nurse practitioner who sees me sit in on the exam. The NP was going through my sexual history and asked how many partners I'd had in the past six months.

Me: 'Four.'
NP: 'And how many have you had in the past two years?'
Me: 'Four.'
Nursing student: [Blinking furiously.] 'Wait. How does that happen?'"
Julie, 31, Boston

THE ETERNALLY HOPEFUL
"My gynecologist is a very nice man with a ponytail. One time I was there seeing him for nothing serious—I told him I had some discomfort and he gave me some medication. He said to take it for a week, and then told me that I should be able to have sexual activity again by next weekend. I said, 'I don't think I'll be having sexual activity again next weekend.' He said, 'I dunno, you might get lucky.'"
Jessica, 28, New York

THE OTHERWISE ENGAGED
"My friend recommended her gynecologist, but when I called they said she had an insanely long waiting list. But they said they could fit me right in with her partner, who I found out later had a reputation of being a mean, gruff guy. So I'm literally in the stirrups when his cell phone rings. It's his wife and he gets in a fight with her. It was clearly a fight that they have all the time. The nurses there were like, whatever. It was clear that they talked about him and they hated him. Also, it was the most painful examination I've ever had."
Courtney, 31, New York

THE EXPEDITION LEADER
"My gyno: 'Have you ever looked at your cervix? You never have? Come on, it's really neat! Hold this. [She hands me a mirror.] See? Isn't that interesting?'"
Jessica, 28, Brooklyn

"Mine once said, 'Here's a mirror—wanna have a look?'"
Rachel, 35, New York

WE'RE NOT EVEN SURE HOW TO DESCRIBE THIS ONE
"A friend of mine went to our college's health center to get a Pap smear. Her first Pap smear, as I recall. When she came back from her appointment, a few of us were milling about the dorm and, being obnoxious, asked her, 'How'd it go?'

"She said, 'Oh, it was fine. But the anal pap smear^* part was a little weird.'

"At this point all of us just stared at her in disbelief because a) we'd never heard of an 'anal pap smear,' and b) the nonchalant way she brought it up indicated it was presented to her as 'just another part' of the lady visit.

"She said after the traditional exam was done, the (male) doc just asked her to flip over so he could proceed with the 'anal pap.' Needless to say, we found this all hilarious. She found it vaguely disturbing. The word 'violated' may have been thrown around. She did not go back to that doctor and, to this day (to my knowledge), she has not received another 'anal pap smear.' But really, how is that even a worthwhile prank for someone?"
Pauline, 26, New York

^*They actually do exist.