Sit back, have a drink, and watch the pretty people say stupid things.

As every educated American knows, the third season of MTV's flagship fake reality show, The Hills, debuts tonight. Paris! New job responsibilities! The rise of Stephanie Pratt! While we can barely contain our excitement, we also know that for a certain percentage of you, The Hills is, quite simply, unpalatable. It's cultural detritus masquerading as well-produced, beautifully shot melodrama. In other words, The Hills' mere existence proves beyond a doubt that this country's obsession with manufactured celebrity and brainless entertainment is leading us right down the shitter.

These people need to sit back, have a drink, and watch the pretty people say stupid things. Which is why we're proud to bring you the Official Hills Drinking Game. We scoured the Internet and were mildly shocked to discover that one doesn't already exist, though this might have something to do with the fact that drinking games went out of style somewhere around the turn of the century. True, but it's also true that The Hills makes for way better TV if you're sauced.

The rules are pretty self-explanatory. If you can't follow them, perhaps it's time for you to contact MTV producers about appearing on season four.

TAKE A SIP WHENEVER...

Spencer uses the word "bro."

Justin Bobby is wearing an article of clothing he could have reasonably purchased from a girl's clothing store.

Justin Bobby is wearing an article of clothing he could have reasonably stolen from a Mexican day laborer.

Audrina looks as if someone just asked her for the fifth third digit of pi. (Note: This will get you wasted.)

Spencer acts in a plainly manipulative fashion. (Note: This will get you wasted.)

Stephanie Pratt demonstrates that she might actually be more manipulative than her brother.

Either the Eiffel Tower or the Arc de Triomphe is invoked as a metaphor for love in Paris.

Whitney prefaces or ends a sentence with "You know?"

Similarly: Whitney scrunches her face in a failed attempt to convey emotion and/or thought.

Spencer inverts an argument to shift the burden of guilt onto someone else.

Lauren claims she needs a "boy" to help her get over Brody Jenner. (Bonus sip if MTV producers immediately cut to Brody surrounded by a gaggle of trashy L.A. skanks.)

Lauren reminds Audrina that she should hate Heidi because Lauren hates Heidi.

Brent Bolthouse promotes his club-promoting company.

Justin Bobby is wearing a wool skull cap despite the fact that it's 80 degrees and sunny outside.

Justin Bobby is wearing sunglasses and/or a hat despite the fact that he's indoors.