Harvey Weinstein has picked your worst movie pitches. See the finalists

Last month, we asked readers to submit their most horrendous movie pitches to be judged by Harvey Weinstein. And send them they did. From the tale of an armless volleyball star to a version of The Godfather shot in outer space, the bad taste was astounding and impressive!

Below, the 10 finalists that represent the very best of the absolute worst:

AUTHOR:
Michael Olinger

PITCH:
Knight Rider meets The Passion of the Christ.

PREMISE:
A mix-up during the second coming of Christ results in Jesus' soul being trapped in the supercomputer of the LAPD's latest high-tech police car. The car belongs to the LAPD's most decorated officer, Chet Manmeat, a rough-and-tumble loner who's never had a partner. Together, Chet and his Son of God–possessed automobile form an unstoppable crime-fighting team!

TAGLINE:
Jesus Christ! Super car!

CAST:
Michael Madsen (Chet Manmeat)
Fred Savage (Voice of Christ)
Dennis Farina (The Chief)

TITLE:
My Good Name

AUTHOR:
Greg Levrault

PITCH:
Sicko for the phone book industry.

PREMISE:
For two years, my last name was spelled wrong in the local phone book. Using original footage, interviews, and reenactments, My Good Name details the seven months of phone calls, letters, faxes, and office visits that I endured to correct the spelling of my family name in the Dayton, Ohio, phone book. I think the issue of people's identities, especially in media like the phone book, will be a big concern for people with identities.

TAGLINE:
Do you know who you are? Do they?

CAST:
I have videotapes of me on the phone talking to help center operators, and two interviews with my mom, but I would like to do one more interview with her so she can see that I am serious about this. I have interviews with friends and people that I work with talking about how right I am.

For reenactments, I am available, but I would like KELSEY GRAMMER, CAMERON DIAZ, and CHRIS TUCKER to do the voices of the call center operators I had to talk to. If you need someone else to play me, I suggest RUSSELL CROWE or MEL GIBSON, because they really know how to use a phone.

I also have the phone books that have my name in them.

TITLE:
Flip-Flop Cop

AUTHOR:
Pat Cavanaugh

PITCH:
Magnum, P.I. meets Orgazmo meets Cop and a Half.

PREMISE:
Flip-Flop Cop is the story of Roderick "Wolfman" Jones, a hard-partying homicide detective who's lost his touch. Known for his outlandish fashion sense, Wolfman is always getting hassled by the chief until one day, when pursuing a suspect, Wolfman trips and one of his flip-flop sandals sails through the air and takes down the criminal. His flip-flops become his ultimate weapon, but will he be able to stop the wily, evil candy company CEO before he poisons the world's supply of Fizzlesticks? (We can work with Willy Wonka Co. for a possible real-world candy tie-in.)

TAGLINE:
He'll flop 'til YOU drop!

CAST:
Bruce Vilanch (Detective Roderick "Wolfman" Jones, aka Flip-Flop Cop)
Chi McBride (Chief Tyrone O'Hara)
Toby Huss (Professor Ronson Q. Fizzlesticks—evil CEO)
Steve Guttenberg (Dominguez—Fizzlesitcks' right hand)
Neil Patrick Harris and Corin Nemec (Lenny and Benny—brothers and homeless informants)
Kiefer Sutherland (Detective Biff Irnhaus—Wolfman's nemesis on the force)

TITLE:
Breaking the Big Box

AUTHOR:
Owen Good

PITCH:
Ocean's Eleven meets Clerks.

PREMISE:
Fresh out of the clink, the world's greatest shoplifter assembles his team for a breathtaking job no mall rat, skate punk, or suburban housewife would ever think possible, much less attempt: a $2,798 52-inch plasma screen TV from the largest and most secure big-box store in the East Bay of California—on Black Friday. Watch as all the heist-movie archetypes come together—the wisecracking leader; the steely-eyed demolitions expert; the quiet, abused-as-a-child tunneler/sapper; flamboyantly gay diversion-setter; the ladies' man forger/fixer; and token black guy stolen-goods fencer/pimp—for the most grandiose waste of effort in the history of criminal enterprise. But look out: The biggest douchebag loss-prevention officer in America has been specifically called out of retirement to protect this television and personally stop our antihero. Lurking in the background is the protagonist's former commanding officer from his time with a covert black-ops loss-prevention unit at the Mall of America—a past his cohorts know nothing of, a past carrying debts that must be paid. Can the team pull it off? Will their leader sell them out—or will someone else? And will they have to show a receipt to make it out alive?

TAGLINE:
So stupid, it has to work.

CAST:
Carlos Mencia (Leader)
Fred Thompson (Former CO)
Ricky Schroder (Douchebag loss-prevention officer)
Keith David (Steely-eyed demolitions expert)
Ashton Kutcher (Quiet tunneler/sapper hiding childhood abuse)
Andy Dick (Flamboyantly gay diversion-setter)
Mark Ruffalo (Ladies' man forger/fixer)
Djimon Hounsou (Token black stolen-goods fencer/pimp)

TITLE:
Stalled

AUTHOR:
Greg Levrault

PITCH:
Man on toilet sees life flash before his eyes; this generation's On Golden Pond.

PREMISE:
In the autumn of his life, at his latest family reunion cookout, is a reluctant grandfather. He is depressed; the last survivor of his generation and despondent over the family's lack of success. After some arguments with the family, he has an excruciating long bowel movement at a city park restroom stall, giving him time to reflect on the twists and turns of his life, the regrets and joys. In flashbacks, he observes how much—and how little—things have changed for the family. Through his conversations with his stall mates, he begins to rediscover a hope for his world and his family.

TAGLINE:
You never know when it's your time to go.

CAST:
Martin Sheen (Ed Brown, the family patriarch; this is a Lifetime Achievement kind of role)
Charlie Sheen (Young Ed, in flashbacks)
Daniel Day-Lewis (Ed's disapproving father, in flashbacks; Ed's modern-day son-in-law)
Renée Zellweger (Molly, the love of his Ed's life, the woman who got away)
Sean Young (Tina, the woman who became Ed's wife)
Marlon Wayans (The streetwise pot dealer and bathroom philosopher)
Tim Roth (Lee Harvey Oswald, in flashbacks)

TITLE:
Dick Head

AUTHOR:
Todd David Schwartz

PITCH:
Boy meets girl—but boy has a talking penis!

PREMISE:
Jerry Slobobovitch (aka "Slobbo") is struck by lightning during a thunderstorm. He doesn't seem to be hurt, but there is one strange side effect—his penis can talk! Not only that, but it has a loud voice and everyone can hear it. Jerry's penis seems to express all of Jerry's private thoughts. As you can imagine, this leads to many nutty situations. For example, when Jerry sees a sexy, well-endowed woman walking down the street with her boyfriend, the penis screams out, "Holy shit, will you look at the tits on that babe?!" The boyfriend remarks to Jerry, "What did you say?" Jerry screams into his crotch (addressing his penis), "Shut up, prick!" The boyfriend angrily responds, "What did you just call me?" Jerry also has crazy clashes with his parents, his rabbi, a nun, a busload of girl scouts, movie theater patrons, and a cat named Muff-Muff. By the end of the film, Jerry meets a deaf woman named Karen who can't hear his penis. They get married and live happily ever after, but the penis continues to talk up a storm (making way for the expected sequel).

TAGLINE:
Look what's talking!

CAST:
Rob Schneider (Jerry Slobobovitch)
Gilbert Gottfried (Voice of talking penis)
Blythe Danner (Jerry's mother)
Donald Sutherland (Jerry's father)
Jerry Stiller (Rabbi)
Bernadette Peters (Nun)
Ron Jeremy (Movie theater usher)
Winona Ryder (Karen)

TITLE:
Jack and Dick: Secrets of the Oval Office

AUTHOR:
Christopher Butturff

PITCH:
JFK meets Brokeback Mountain.

PREMISE:
The JFK conspiracy takes on a whole twist in this (homo)sexually charged thriller of espionage, secret rendezvous, and unrequited love. The real reason behind the JFK assassination is revealed when one brave Kennedy administration aide comes forward with startling evidence that Richard Nixon and John F. Kennedy were involved in a torrid love affair, threatening the very moral fabric of America itself! An opposing young attorney is determined to make a name for himself by "squashing the lies," but finds himself in his own predicament when he starts to fall for the persuasive young bureaucrat, even though he's engaged to the perfect fiancée.

TAGLINE:
Two timeless presidents. One timeless love.

CAST:
Tobey Maguire (Kennedy aide)
Sean Astin (Young attorney)
Selma Blair (Young woman caught in the middle)
Fred Thompson (Richard Nixon, in flashbacks)
Steve Carell (John F. Kennedy)

TITLE:
ZOM-BEES

AUTHOR:
Leo Johnson

PITCH:
Exterminated killer bees return from the dead and go on a rampage.

PREMISE:
An experimental pesticide designed for use on killer bees goes horribly awry when an unforeseen side effect causes the insects to rise from the dead 28 days later. Thereafter, a huge, slow-moving yet deadly swarm of zombified bees terrorizes California. Because the reanimated bees can't be killed by conventional means, the locals are forced to hide from them by wading in the Pacific Ocean, which has the effect of raising the sea levels to dangerous heights, threatening to engulf Southern California. A ray of hope breaks through when an eminent scientist discovers that the bees can be killed the way all zombies can—through a shot to the brain. Only one man can help: former world darts champion Chase Lightning, the only person in the world with the skill to hit the tiny rampaging bees. But Chase is afraid to accept the challenge; he hasn't been the same after his career was cut tragically short due to a freak accident at a darts tournament that left him blind in one eye. Chase changes his mind after God threatens to put him in hell. An epic duel—man versus dead bees—takes place on the Santa Monica Pier. Chase is killed‚ but humanity is saved anyway when a tornado rips through a local Gillette factory, sending millions of razor blades zipping through the air at high speed, cutting the swarm to pieces. The end.

TAGLINE:
To be or—a million and two bees.

CAST:
Tom Cruise (Chase)
Al Gore (The scientist)
Samuel L. Jackson (God)
Bob Dylan (Voice effects for the bees)
B.B. King (Soundtrack)
Lindsay Lohan and Michael Richards (Couple who die horribly)

AUTHOR:
Ian Huxley

PITCH:
Karate Kid meets Million Dollar Baby meets Side Out.

PREMISE:
Kansas girl moves to L.A. to pursue her beach volleyball aspirations. While working at a smoothie stand on the boardwalk to make ends meet, she loses both arms to the shoulders trying to extract a banana from a jammed blender. Despite her tragic yet completely avoidable accident, she refuses to give up on her dream. With the help of a retired, alcoholic Major League Soccer player, she learns to use just her head where two hands used to do the work. The world may see a careless victim, but she looks in the mirror and sees a champion. She will not be denied.

TAGLINE:
A blender took her arms, but her heart was set to frappé.

CAST:
Hilary Swank as Bobbi Sansmain, armless blender victim devoted to being a beach volleyball champion. She knows she can take on the competition with both nonexistent hands tied behind her back.

Karch Kiraly as Vance Lightstorm, evil smoothie-stand manager who orders the banana extracted and ruthless trainer of reigning women's beach volleyball champion Kristy Caliente.

Eva Mendes as Kristy Caliente, undefeated reigning champion of women's beach volleyball. She is also the woman who maliciously orders the banana smoothie that takes Bobbi's arms.

Pelé as the drunk former soccer star who learns to regain his lust for life and competition when an armless Bobbi won't relent in seeking in his tutelage and, most important, won't give up on him.

Peter O'Toole as Johnny Raz, former legend of the beach volleyball circuit. He fights for Bobbi's right to compete in order to show Vance Lightstorm, his former protégé, that beach volleyball isn't just about winning at any cost.