(continued)

DR. STAGEDLOVED Kelsey Grammer

1998: KELSEY GRAMMER AND ... SOME GIRLFRIEND OF KELSEY GRAMMER'S

In 1998, the Cheers and Frasier actor also sued Internet Entertainment Group, claiming that it had stolen a sex tape of him and former girlfriend Cerlette Lamme. The suit was dropped when IEG countersued, claiming that it had no such tape. Grammer later paid Lamme $1 million for possession of the tape, which has remained under wraps.

CAREER KILLER? Grammer's career has been like Teflon despite his rather turbulent personal life, which involves substance abuse problems and tumultuous relationships. Grammer continued to enjoy several more seasons on Frasier after the case, and is now costarring on Fox's newsroom sitcom Back to You—a sitcom that, okay, makes Two and a Half Men look inspired, but at least it's a job. Grammer is also spreading his hard-won wisdom to other celebrities: Frasier says, for the love of God, don't make a sex tape.

REEL TALK R. Kelly

2002: R. KELLY AND A 14-YEAR-OLD

In February 2002, a tape was sent to the Chicago Sun-Times that portrayed a man who looked an awful lot like R. Kelly doing an awful lot of dirty things to a girl who really resembled the 14-year-old daughter of an associate of his.

CAREER KILLER? The tape should have been a career destroyer, but for some reason, Kelly escaped from the golden showers cleaner than he ought to have been. While now widely regarded as a weirdo and a pervert, his records still sell, his case is still tied up in court, his videos still get played, and hipsters everywhere gather around at parties to laugh at Trapped in the Closet.

BIG TROUBLE, BIG CHYNA Joanie Laurer, aka Chyna Doll

2004: JOANIE LAURER, AKA CHYNA DOLL

Why wait for your celebrity sex tape to get "accidentally released" to make a buck when you can release it yourself? Laurer, the pro wrestler known as Chyna Doll, released a tape cleverly called One Night in China to Red Light District films in 2004, the same company that would later release One Night in Paris. The tape features such charming details as acne on Laurer's buttocks during a doggie-style scene, as well as Laurer's extremely large pierced clitoris, which resembles nothing you've ever seen on a biological woman.

CAREER KILLER? Unlike other amateur celebrity porn stars, Laurer was able to take control of her raunchy video and turn it into a paycheck. We hope that money goes a long way, because we don't see a spot on The View for her anytime in the near future.