Sex and the City spoilers

LAST OF THE HOHICANS The ladies of Sex and the City

If you are at all like us, after iconic HBO comedy Sex and the City came to a tear-jerking close four years ago, you started drinking, quit your job, and founded a cult in Arizona based loosely on the worship of Chris Noth. How empty is your life without the fab four? How cold are the nights? (Answers: Very empty. Mucho frio.) But delight again, orphan! As any committed fan knows, the gang has just wrapped up filming the highly anticipated Sex and the City: The Movie. Rumors about the fates of our heroines abound: Charlotte may be pregnant! SJP may have an assistant played by Jennifer Hudson. Mr. Big may DIE. But only Radar has the inside line on the movie's plot. SPOILER ALERT! Don't read further if you don't want to know exactly what happens.

Happily married to Big, Carrie has released a blockbuster best seller called Settled at Last!, though when she sees a bedraggled woman reading it on Madison Avenue, she fears she's become an old maid. "Are we boring now?" she asks the gals over cosmos and Parliament Lights at brunch the next day. They are! They vow to start living life to the fullest.

Soon after this powwow, Charlotte starts talking to her kindly African American doorman, Benson. He compliments her on her beautiful Chinese baby and on Elizabeth Taylor, her King Charles spaniel. Charlotte tells him that Elizabeth Taylor won Best in Show at Westminster! Benson says he knows a "special kind of dog show" that might interest her. Thus begins Charlotte's descent into the sexy underground world of dogfighting. "Is this kosher, baby?" husband Harry asks. It doesn't matter: Charlotte is a woman on a mission. She transforms their Upper East Side abode into a pit-bull charnel house shortly thereafter.

Carrie, growing increasingly aware of the fact that her ovaries are shriveling up, decides she wants to have a child with Big. They struggle, given her age, but eventually succeed after she undergoes various hormone treatments and artificial insemination. While in her first trimester, however, Carrie sees a bedraggled woman pushing a stroller up Madison Avenue—a frightening vision of the future. She immediately aborts and heads straight from the clinic to the Marc Jacobs boutique on Bleecker. "Retail therapy is the best way to cope with surgically induced postpartum depression," reads the first sentence of her next column.

Smith Jared, Samantha's model boyfriend, is castrated in a freak accident (Milan, turbines). Samantha is very upset and has to talk it over with the girls: She just doesn't know if she can be with someone who can't carnally satisfy. To test the waters, she sleeps with every sentient biped in Manhattan. After going down on a guy waiting in the Port Authority bus station, it dawns on her that despite her boyfriend's physical shortcomings, she loves him more than ever! She also realizes that the model's unique "situation" is great press. Before long, Smith is known on both sides of the Atlantic as the world's "hunkiest gelding."

After dinner one evening at Buddha Bar, Harry receives a strange phone call. It turns out he's adopted and thus not actually Jewish. He is flabbergasted. "The only reason I was attracted to you is because you were a shiksa," he tells Charlotte. "Now it's just kind of like, whatever." He sends her and her kennel packing.

Meanwhile, Big and Carrie have put the abortion behind them and seem well on their way to marriage. But in a post-coital spoon session after a bout of strenuous lovemaking on 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets, he drops a bomb on her: It turns out he actually has a love child in São Paulo, the product of a boozy business trip to Brazil three years ago. What's more, how does she feel about the little tyke coming to live with him in New York? Carrie is floored. Now that she and Big had a stable relationship, she was thinking about trying to get pregnant again. Now she's not so sure it should be with Big. "Is it okay to give the one real love in your life another shot, even if he knocked up some skank in a foreign country and is liable to do it again?" she asks contemplatively. After a trip to Barneys to clear her mind, she decides it is.



The next morning, however, she is confronted with a surprise visitor outside of her apartment building. It is Petrovsky! (Remember him?) He's in town for a major retrospective of his work at the Guggenheim, he tells her. He is riding a camel. In one hand he holds a spine-worn copy of Settled at Last! With characteristic old-world charm, he says, "I read whole shitty book so I might sex you forever in style of dog." Carrie feels a flutter in her chest.

Carrie tells Miranda about Petrovsky's visit. Miranda has just had Steve's mother-in-law euthanized after a losing battle with Alzheimer's. She threatens to euthanize Carrie.

Over a clandestine espresso with Petrovsky at the Viennese café in the Neue Galerie, the Russian gets real with Carrie. "I do not want cheeeldren," he tells her. "But I will buy you diamonds as big as fists." Carrie is torn!

Carrie asks Samantha what she should do about Petrovsky's visit. "Castrate him," Samantha says. "Sex ruins everything." She then asks Charlotte. "I don't have time to think about this shit anymore. It's fight night." Carrie is confused!

Days pass. Carrie still doesn't know what to do. She decides to come clean about the Petrovsky situation with Big. Not long after she shows up to break the news, however, they end up having toe-curling sex in a trash compactor. Carrie realizes she loves Big and only Big. Shortly thereafter, she's pregnant!

Nine months pass. Samatha's breast cancer is completely in remission! She celebrates with a suite of cosmetic surgery. The makeover is so profound that Samantha, for the last six minutes of the film, is played by Usher.

Carrie, Big, Smith, Usher, and Miranda climb in a cab to see Charlotte's pit bull, Audrey Hepburn, square off against some Mexican's Doberman in Chinatown. Around 14th Street, however, Carrie's water breaks. With excitement, they speed to NYU Hospital. "I love you," Big tells Carrie. "I love you, too," Carrie tells Big. They kiss.

And ... scene.