50 things not to say at the Thanksgiving table

As the Thanksgiving holiday rapidly approaches, you may be experiencing a sense of looming dread. The holidays are a difficult time for even the happiest of families: There's something about forced cheer, overheated dining rooms, and ample alcohol that make you just want to let loose and air all the secrets and grievances you've been harboring for so long. Still, you probably shouldn't—it's a long way to Sunday when you've revealed your career as "the tristate area's most in-demand gay-for-pay digital short actor" on Thursday night. Here are 50 other things you might want to keep to yourself.

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1. After my semester abroad, some of the things that Glenn Beck says make a lot of sense. 2. How much exactly would you guys be willing to pitch in for a clitorectomy? 3. We met on Adult Friend Finder. 4. We met at a NAMBLA mixer. 5. We met in the lower-level Port Authority restrooms. 6. Can we all go around and cop to some past molestation? 7. You all know that turkey is 17 percent rat meat, right? 8. This is Tony. He/She is my new life partner. 9. Darfur totally had it coming. 10. Roasting the turkey should kill off any herpetic virus obtained during preparation, right? 11. Turn up the TV—the sound of John Madden's voice totally gets me off. 12. I'm just saying, if the N-word is now unacceptable, maybe it's time we come up a new slur. 13. Just a little cranberry sauce for me. I totally overdid it on the meth this morning. 14. Remember Jason Biggs and that apple pie in American Pie? Well, it also works with turkey. 15. You're all so disgustingly bourgeois. If you need me, I'll be in my room, listening to Coldplay. 16. I read a really interesting article today that explained that the L-tryptophan in turkey is what makes you sleepy. 17. This is so going on my blog. This, plus the upskirt shots I'm taking under the table. 18. Looking hot! If you weren't my older sister ... 19. I'm hoping for a cross-party Dodd/Tancredo ticket. 20. It's so great to have the whole family here, because I'd repressed all my negative familial ideations from childhood.