Radar rounds up this year's dumbest Christmas gifts

CLAUS FOR ALARM We've made our list, checked it twice, and found the most useless holiday gifts in the world

Among painful Yuletide traditions—eggnog, awkward office parties, strip mall Santas—few are worse than repeatedly having to fake a smile when presented with a truly awful Christmas gift. Unfortunately, the seasonal ritual shows no sign of disappearing: A quick survey of the shelves of our nation's finest retail outlets reveals that they're chock-full of totally useless crap just waiting to be scooped up by your Aunt Beatrice and deposited under your Christmas tree. In the spirit of giving, Radar took a look around and turned up the dumbest of the bunch. We'll no doubt see you in the return line on December 26.

AMUSE DOUCHE One very satisfied customer

PRICE: $30

WHO'S GETTING IT: Your self-absorbed little shit of a nephew.

THE LOWDOWN: The Self-Portrait Arm was developed in response to "MySpace Photo Syndrome"—an ailment that affects millions of disaffected hipsters who attempt to take photos of themselves for their online social networking profiles. Due to the difficulty of extending one's arm while pretending to look bored and distracted, too often the result of of this solo camera work is an off-center/blurry shot. No longer! Using the lightweight aluminum rod creates sufficient space between the subject's smug little face and the camera's lens, thereby ensuring a perfectly framed shot. Or, you know, you could have an actual friend take it for you. On the plus side, there's always the chance that a passerby will seize the rod from an unsuspecting user and bash him upside the head.

WHERE TO BUY: Urban Outfitters (Were you expecting anyplace else?)

OTHERWISE PACKAGED AS WEIGHTGAINER DELUXE The complete Hollywood Cookie Diet set

PRICE: $19.99 per 12-cookie box

WHO'S GETTING IT: Your insufferable aunt who's always prattling on and on about her weight, but who is just fat and always going to be fat, so she might as well enjoy herself.

THE LOWDOWN: Calorie counters with a sweet tooth will no doubt love the Hollywood Cookie Diet, described as "the world's most delicious way to take off—and keep off—those unwanted pounds." Dieters who haven't yet parsed the meaning of "diet" can gorge on either chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, or lemon cookies, all of which are packed with plenty of nutritious fiber, protein, and vitamins. Of course, none of those three substances actually contribute to weight loss in any meaningful way, but who cares? Certainly not Debbie L. from Stanford, Connecticut, who proudly exclaims on the company's website, "I lost five pounds in three days using the Hollywood Cookie Diet!"** The disclaimer at the other end of that double asterisk? "Results atypical."

WHERE TO BUY: Skymall

BRUSH WITH GREATNESS A dental hygiene solution for the extremely lazy

3) PLAQUEPRO

PRICE: $2.50

WHO'S GETTING IT: The guy in the cubicle next to you with really bad halitosis.

THE LOWDOWN: Ever lamented the fact that you spend far too much time each day brushing your teeth? Maybe if you could somehow figure out a way to shave 15 to 20 seconds off the burdensome twice-a-day hygienic ritual, your productivity would rise and you'd accomplish things you never thought possible.

WHERE TO BUY: unseenontv.com

SELLING LIKE TOTALLY USELESS HOTCAKES The Snap Jack

4) THE SNAP JACK

PRICE: $4.95

WHO'S GETTING IT: Breakfast lovers with severely poor motor skills.

THE LOWDOWN: Gone are the days when consuming the fluffy pancakes your mother whipped up on Christmas first required procuring such hard-to-find utensils as a fork. With the Snap Jack (endorsed by the Queen Bee of brain-dead cuisine, Rachel Ray), cutting up flapjacks into bite-size morsels is as easy as one, two, three: Simply apply firm downward pressure on the Snap Jack and watch as it effortlessly cuts through the stack of steaming hot pancakes. Then stab yourself in the neck with the butter knife that you should have used for the task in the first place.

WHERE TO BUY: unseenontv.com

PARTY WAGON For the bro on the go

PRICE: $499

WHO'S GETTING IT: Self-proclaimed "grillmasters"; college frat bros looking to pick up their first DUI on the way to a BBQ.

THE LOWDOWN: We're a bit conflicted on this. On one hand, it's sort of awesome: This three-wheel roadster can export 24 Bud Lights and eight pounds of ice faster than most humans can sprint. There's even a cup holder situated between the driver's knees so you can keep your buzz on while pounding the pavement. On the other hand, it only supports a payload of 300 pounds, which seems on the low end for the target demo: dudes who needs a 500-watt electric motor to transport their brews. Also: it's 500 DOLLARS!

WHERE TO BUY: hammacher.com

CONE AWAY Pinecones beware!

PRICE: $34.95

WHO'S GETTING IT: Obsessive-compulsive forest rangers; overweight homeowners.

THE LOWDOWN: "Save your BACK! Save your FINGERS! Save your LAWN!" promises the manufactures of the Cone-I-Vore, a gardening tool that seeks to revolutionize the world of lawn maintenance. What magical power does the Cone-I-Vore bestow upon the user? Well, you see, it's a lightweight plastic tube that the user places over a pinecone. After thrusting said tube downward, the lucky consumer can watch in amazement as the pinecone enters the Cone-I-Vore's plastic cylinder. No suction, no motorized vacuum, no nothing. In other words, you're spending $34.95 to perform a task more easily accomplished by duct-taping a nail to a wooden stick. (Or, if you're even thriftier, by a bunch of Mexicans.)

WHERE TO BUY: coneivore.com

TROUSER TROUT The Fish 'n Flush

PRICE: $299 (special holiday rate)

WHO'S IT FOR: "Kooky" bachelors; Troy McClure.

THE LOWDOWN: It is a widely accepted rule of party hosting that the less time people spend in your bathroom, the better. When there are lines to use the lavatory, or people start hanging out in there, bad things happen. Which is why the Fish 'n Flush—a fully functioning 2.2-gallon aquarium that doubles as a traditional toilet tank—strikes us a singularly unnecessary contribution to the field of waste management. According to the inventor, Fish 'n Flush is a "fun fashion statement for the homeowner" seeking to turn the bathroom into "the most talked about room in the house." It's an interesting conversation starter, to be sure. But do you really want people actively conversing about the place where someone just dropped a massive deuce?

WHERE TO BUY: fishnflush.com

HONORABLE MENTION STOCKING STUFFERS:

WATERPROOF A device we'll simply call "The Umbrella Condom"

D Light Huggable ($160), a squeezable pillow cum "sunshine alternative" to help suffers of made-up malaise Seasonal Affective Disorder get through the dark winter months.

Umbrella Draining Solution ($19.95), a container with a cap in which you can insert a wet umbrella to prevent water droplets from ruining the upholstery of our automobile (replaces the tried-and-true "just shake the damn thing before you get in your car" method).