Radar rounds up this year's dumbest Christmas gifts

CLAUS FOR ALARM We've made our list, checked it twice, and found the most useless holiday gifts in the world

Among painful Yuletide traditions—eggnog, awkward office parties, strip mall Santas—few are worse than repeatedly having to fake a smile when presented with a truly awful Christmas gift. Unfortunately, the seasonal ritual shows no sign of disappearing: A quick survey of the shelves of our nation's finest retail outlets reveals that they're chock-full of totally useless crap just waiting to be scooped up by your Aunt Beatrice and deposited under your Christmas tree. In the spirit of giving, Radar took a look around and turned up the dumbest of the bunch. We'll no doubt see you in the return line on December 26.

AMUSE DOUCHE One very satisfied customer

PRICE: $30

WHO'S GETTING IT: Your self-absorbed little shit of a nephew.

THE LOWDOWN: The Self-Portrait Arm was developed in response to "MySpace Photo Syndrome"—an ailment that affects millions of disaffected hipsters who attempt to take photos of themselves for their online social networking profiles. Due to the difficulty of extending one's arm while pretending to look bored and distracted, too often the result of of this solo camera work is an off-center/blurry shot. No longer! Using the lightweight aluminum rod creates sufficient space between the subject's smug little face and the camera's lens, thereby ensuring a perfectly framed shot. Or, you know, you could have an actual friend take it for you. On the plus side, there's always the chance that a passerby will seize the rod from an unsuspecting user and bash him upside the head.

WHERE TO BUY: Urban Outfitters (Were you expecting anyplace else?)

OTHERWISE PACKAGED AS WEIGHTGAINER DELUXE The complete Hollywood Cookie Diet set

PRICE: $19.99 per 12-cookie box

WHO'S GETTING IT: Your insufferable aunt who's always prattling on and on about her weight, but who is just fat and always going to be fat, so she might as well enjoy herself.

THE LOWDOWN: Calorie counters with a sweet tooth will no doubt love the Hollywood Cookie Diet, described as "the world's most delicious way to take off—and keep off—those unwanted pounds." Dieters who haven't yet parsed the meaning of "diet" can gorge on either chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, or lemon cookies, all of which are packed with plenty of nutritious fiber, protein, and vitamins. Of course, none of those three substances actually contribute to weight loss in any meaningful way, but who cares? Certainly not Debbie L. from Stanford, Connecticut, who proudly exclaims on the company's website, "I lost five pounds in three days using the Hollywood Cookie Diet!"** The disclaimer at the other end of that double asterisk? "Results atypical."

WHERE TO BUY: Skymall