Radar's guide to drinking on the cheap

The New York Times recently ran its latest "10 under $10" wine list, evaluating a slew of cheapish wines and picking the best of the bunch. While this sort of information is undoubtedly useful for many, there are components of society—freelance writers, junior staffers at Condé Nast or the New York Times, drifters at the bus station—for whom even $10 is a financial burden.

With these people in mind (and perhaps moved by some newfound egalitarian streak), Radar decided to lower the bar. A lot. Thus, we arranged an elite panel of highly discerning palates to taste wines that cost less than $4 a bottle. Franzia and the so-called "bum wines" were omitted—the following all come in real glass bottles, and almost all are topped with actual corks. Happy drinking!

Radar's panel:
• Investment banker Philip Enan
• New York Times Syndicate editorial assistant Jake Tracer
• New York Times graphics editor Rubina Madan
• Paralegal Erika Myrill
• Engineer Jeff J. Smith
• Radar editor Paige Ferrari

The tasting took place on an East Village rooftop. Spitting was strictly forbidden.

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THE WHITES:

1.
Trader Joe's Charles Shaw Blend California Sauvignon Blanc 2005,
$2.99

The Verdict: Trader Joe's "Two Buck Chuck" become the toast of the cheap wine world several years ago, when journalists, enraptured by the idea that they could now afford wine in a real bottle, began trotting out the underdog Joe in tastings against $75 cabernets. Perhaps some bottles really do taste fantastic; this just wasn't one of them. "Flabby," "Dead on the palate," "Smells like cat pee," griped our panelists. (Yes, we know that eau de feline urine is often considered a good thing in Sauv Blanc.) "Do I detect a hint of ammonia?" asked Enan. Like the contents of a beaker in a lab experiment, this is a wine for "wafting," not smelling directly.

Kind of like: Windex. (Which, incidentally, retails for more than a bottle of Chuck.)

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2. Lost Vineyards White Table Wine, Portugal (non-vintage), $1.99

The Verdict: As the most dubious-looking wine of the lot (no varietals were listed on the front), we went in with low expectations. We emerged impressed: Great things, it seems, do occasionally emerge from the plastic bucket near the checkout counter of your neighborhood discount wine retailer. While a little green-smelling, this bottle had a pleasing acidity that's often lacking in inexpensive whites. If this were a Real Simple story, we'd call it "fun," "lively," and "a good buy." If this were an Esquire story, we'd call it "versatile," "balanced," and "clever." As this is a Radar story, we finished the damn thing in six minutes.

3. Trader Joe's Charles Shaw Blend Chardonnay, California 2006, $2.99

The Verdict: Chardonnay is a bit tougher than other whites. It can be complex and challenging, but it can also go extremely wrong, assaulting the unsuspecting drinker with a nauseating range of flavors like "cabbage" and "wet dog." "This kind of leaves a film in my mouth," said Ferrari. But the rest of the panel disagreed. They found this standard, oaky California Chard actually quite pleasing, and mistakable for a more expensive bottle (if only for the absence of anything offensive). At $2.99, think of it as the John Edwards of cheap wine: pretty good, decent even, although admittedly a little boring.

Kind of like: A disappointing $18 bottle.

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THE REDS:

4. Lost Vineyards Tempranillo, Spain-Catalyud, $1.99

The Verdict: Unlike its white counterpart, this Lost Vineyards selection sucked. Tremendously. At best, most panelists found it dull, though one supporter contended that it would work well paired with regional cuisine. "If I were really drunk in Barcelona, eating spicy chorizo, this wouldn't be the worst thing in the world," said Tracer. "You could definitely make a decent sangria out of it."

Kind of like: Sweaty socks, Chevys' sangria, a $1.99 bottle of wine.

5. Charles Shaw Merlot 2005, $2.99

The Verdict: We know it's gauche to quaff merlot after Sideways, but the strong, smoky scent of this wine more than made up its shortcomings. "It's fake-oaked, but I'm used to that," said Enan. In fact, the slight acidity, when added to the smoky flavor, made this bottle taste more expensive than it really was. Someone completely sauced might even mistake this for a South African Syrah—a horrible thing to say about a California merlot, but a tremendous compliment for three-buck Chuck.

Kind of like: Smoking a Parliament while drinking a half-decent Syrah.

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6. Mapocho Cabernet-Shiraz, Chile 2005, $2.99

The Verdict: When I asked the clerk at my local Warehouse Wines what they had under $3, this is what she gave me. And for good reason: It was, hands down, the best of the evening. The peppery Shiraz showed through on the nose, and it was balanced, engaging, and utterly pleasant in the mouth. Unlike the Charles Shaw merlot, it tasted unmanipulated, prompting some panel members to say, "I actually like this wine." What can we say? Even the label looks legit.

Kind of like: Actual wine

GOLD STAR

SPARKLING, ROSE, OR OTHERWISE
"SLIGHTLY IRREGULAR" WINES

7. Capri Brut "American Champagne," $3.49


The Verdict: If Miller High Life is the Champagne of Beers, then this is the Beer of Champagnes. "It tastes like Bud," noted Madan. Indeed, this yellow sparkler resembles yeasty, cheap lager in both aroma and taste, though with an unpleasantly sweet aftertaste. Enan offered faint, if widely applicable praise: "If I were already really drunk, I think this would be totally fine."

Kind of like: A forty with Nutrasweet.

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8. Donna Christina "Desires," Italy 2003, $2.99

The Verdict: With a name like "Desires," we half expected Fabio to grace the label, his flexed muscular arm pouring a glass for his latest damsel in distress. Alas, this Italian wine's flavors were not terrifically romantic. As our panel raised their glasses, a collective "auuughhh!" erupted. Not unlike beloved comedian Owen Wilson, this wine was quirky, sweaty, and butterscotchy in character. It actually seemed to rise from the glass with the explicit purpose of attacking the olfactory system. The worst of the bunch.

Kind of like: Ass (though hold your nose and it's Mott's apple juice).

9. Meier's Raspberry "American Spumante" (non-vintage), $2.99

The Verdict: The lone "sparkling" wine of the evening proved divisive. "If somebody served this to me and said it was raspberry soda, I'd be like, that's a damn good raspberry soda," Enan admitted. Others were less enthused: "I couldn't drink more than half a glass of this," said Madan. Ferrari observed that it had "more sugar than a bowl of Cap'n Crunch," but didn't specify whether that was a pro or con. Even worse, with just 7.5 percent alcohol, Meier's has all the saccharine overkill of a bum wine, but promises none of the sloppy pee-in-your-pants drunkenness you'd come to expect from a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.

Kind of like: Dimetapp.

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10. Manischewitz Concord Grape Wine, America
(non-vintage), $3.99

The Verdict: According to the label, Manischewitz contains at least 51 percent Concord, one of the least desirable grapes from which to make wine. This raises an important question: Where's the other 49 percent from? Regardless, this "specially sweetened" "red wine," as every Jewish kid knows, is delicious and fascinating, provided you are seven. Everyone else will be punished by the hideous confection of sickly sweet and bitter aromas more at home in a bottle of Night Train Express. Shabbat Shalom!

Kind of like: Melted Jolly Ranchers, rubbing alcohol.

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