Bad Education

The worst colleges in America

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APES OF MATH Class is in session. Opposable thumbs not required

This year, U.S. News & World Report announced that their new college rankings system would involve "substantial changes in methodology." And now, after much hyperventilating, the 2008 results are finally in.

Low SAT scores, incompetent professors, rock-bottom admissions standards, unbridled alcohol and drug consumption, rampant criminal activity, and dubious alumni We'll save you some time: Penn jumps from seventh to fifth! Dartmouth gets squeezed out of the top ten! Identifying America's best colleges is about as exciting and useful as naming your favorite luxury sedan (Audi). For the millions of students whose SAT results place them south of Swarthmore, identifying the schools to avoid at all costs
seems like a far more valuable service. And so we present Radar's exhaustive, semi-scientific guide to the most substandard colleges in America.

To be fair, we excluded community colleges, technical schools, and the kind of places that advertise in subway cars, limiting our search to accredited four-year institutions with brick-and-mortar campuses. We started by gathering statistics on academic offerings, admissions, and student life from a diverse array of sources, including Princeton Review, U.S. News, and the U.S. Department of Education. Then we factored in criteria like low SAT scores, incompetent professors, rock-bottom admissions standards, unbridled alcohol and drug consumption, rampant criminal activity, and dubious alumni. To complete the picture, we added reviews from online outlets like Students Review, Campus Dirt, and College Prowler. Finally, we tallied up the numbers in a variety of categories, ranging from worst Ivy to worst party school, and of course, the very worst college in the country. (Hint: The Moonies are involved.) Below, the nine colleges that made our dishonor roll.

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Worst of the Big Ten: Michigan State University (East Lansing)

It's not surprising that this hard-drinking football school hasn't made it to the Rose Bowl since 1988: Much of its student body seems to be in jail. More than 1,000 students were arrested for drug and alcohol offenses in 2005, along with another 1,224 perps in the crime-ridden city. Mix MSU's licentious ways with notoriously high acceptance rates and low SAT scores, and you get the school ranked dead last among the Big Ten.

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Illustrious Alumni: Teamster head Jimmy Hoffa Jr. (right) spent four years of his life here, which actually makes us feel some pity for him. Amateur smut producer Tom Sizemore attended but didn't graduate.

Notable Course: Stage Combat. "Safe and effective methods of depicting violence for stage and film ... Hand-to-hand combat (kicks, punches, falls, etc.); weapon work with rapier, dagger, broadsword, quarterstaff, foil, axe, and shield." Packaging (as in "paper or plastic") is a popular major.

Raw Data: A 76 percent acceptance rate, an abysmal average SAT score, and a rep as a depraved party school. Go Spartans!

School Pride: "If I hear 'show your tits' one more time I'm going to scream—I got 'em and I ain't showin 'em to you bozos," complains a recent graduate on Students Review.

Fun Fact: The student body doesn't take losing well. Following the Spartans' 1999 loss in the Final Four, thousands of students took to the streets of East Lansing to work out their rage on public property. The drunken rioters managed to burn couches, mattresses, and two cars in a 25-foot fire before being dispersed with tear gas.

Tuition: $9,862 in-state ($22,450 out-of-state) plus room and board.

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