(continued)

JUICED? Bonds rounds the bases after hitting his record-breaking home run

8. BARRY BONDS' HOME RUN RECORD
In an August 7 home game against the Washington Nationals, San Francisco Giants left-fielder Barry Bonds used a 34-inch, 31.6-ounce piece of Canadian maple wood to propel a stitched leather ball 435 feet up and over a fence. It was the 756th time the seven-time MVP had done so in his 21-year career—once more than Hank Aaron, 42 times more than Babe Ruth, and 96 times more than his godfather, Willie Mays. But you wouldn't know that someone had just broken one of the most sacred records in sports based on fan response. A sellout crowd in Anaheim booed when a video replay was shown. Same in Arizona. And in Colorado. It seems it doesn't actually matter that Bonds has never failed a steroid test. To bar patrons and stadium-goers alike, his once normal-size head has now literally (and metaphorically) swollen to the size of a bowling ball, and that's proof positive of foul play. At least one person is happy about the sordid mess: Queens native Matt Murphy, who nabbed the famous ball and emerged victorious from the scrum over Bonds' asterisk; he's auctioning it off, and expects to take home up to $500,000.

BLONDES DO MORE TIME Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan, in their respective mug shots

7. CELEBRITY JAIL SENTENCES
Time in prison used to be a demoralizing, life-altering career wrecker. That was then. Leave it to Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay, who have already debased so many aspects of our culture, to lay waste to jail time. As the girls of summer have done for plastic surgery, promiscuity, wanton drug use, and consumerism, they've gone and proved that time in the clink is really no big deal. You can get sent there for more than three weeks after driving with a suspended license, à la Paris; or a day, like Lindsay Lohan after being busted with coke; or 82 minutes like Nicole Richie, who drove the wrong way on a highway on-ramp after indulging in some marijuana and Vicodin. You don't need a bleeding heart to see that the system's not only broken, it has been co-opted into the latest must-have life experience. Go to jail, try to think, lose your tan. Get out of jail, pose for cameras, party on. It's what Paris does.