Pack your cyanide pills! This Memorial Day, Radar tours the world's worst vacation destinations

Whether it's screaming brats at the pool, impossibly long lines, or stolen luggage, summer vacations rarely deliver the stress-free escape you've been hoping for. But stop your bitching. It could be much worse. From Salmonella smeared BBQ pits to amusement park rides that sever limbs (as one did last June to a 13-year-old girl at Six Flags), the season is full of perils most of us are lucky enough to avoid. Then again, the most rewarding experiences always come with a little risk. If you're tired of the same old sanitary, injury-free, cookie-cutter holiday routine, we recommend the following itinerary from hell. Strap yourself in. It's going to be a terrible trip.

HOP ON THE GRAVITRON
Funtown Pier, Seaside Heights, New Jersey

Why not start with a little nostalgia? Head to Jersey for a ride on the Gravitron, where speed, centrifugal force, and extremely loud Kris Kross jams work in concert to provide a terrorizing experience for the whole family.

Your ride will be that much more harrowing knowing that numerous safety incidents have threatened to silence the Gravitron's sweet whir. In 2002, a ride operator let the spinning scream chamber go for nearly 20 minutes longer than the recommended 80 seconds, giving Gravitron guests 15 times their ticket value. Six of them were rushed to the hospital. But that's nothing compared to what happened in 2004 at the Miami-Dade County Fair. When the Gravitron's walls gave way, three people were ejected, or "hurled off the ride," slamming into four bystanders. One of them, a 16-year-old girl, was thrown 30 feet, resulting in "severe brain damage." Other passersby were hit with flying debris, as actual "gravity" brought the Gravitron's parts down. Hard.

Don't worry! The Gravitron is still going strong at theme parks and carnivals across the country, where it has been rechristened the "Starship 2000."

Don't want to stray too far from home? A 1989 "trailer mounted" Gravitron is available for the low price of $110,000. Your backyard called, it sounded very excited.

Photo: www.gooutjersey.com

ROUGH IT IN THE DESERT
Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument, Arizona

Time for the great outdoors! Head to Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument Park, the Fallujah of our great national park system. Flanked by 30 miles of Mexican border, Organ Pipe consistently ranks as the most dangerous park in the country. In addition to natural wonders like the rare Organ Pipe Cactus, visitors can look forward to "carjackings, robberies, sexual assaults, [and] confrontations with drug runners," according to the Interior Department 's assistant inspector general.

Pitch your tent near the $700,000 per-mile immigrant barrier. The rangers wear camouflage, carry assault rifles, and are usually on edge, so instruct your kids to speak English at all times. Fun games for the little ones include "report the illegal immigrant" and "chase the scared Mexican."

The Pipe also boasts other recreational assets: In 2002, over 13,000 pounds of illegally grown pot were seized in a remote region of the park. If you happen upon some, we do not recommend seizing it yourself. There are many day laborers around who would be happy to take the risk for you: Border agents have reported "bleached, skeletal human remains" on the roadside. Don't be a hero.

REST EASY IN QUALITY LODGINGS
Tropicana Resort Hotel, Virginia Beach, Virginia

Sometime between Jersey and Organ Pipe treat yourself to a stay at the
Tropicana Hotel in Virginia Beach, which has plenty of availability since it won traveladvisor.com's distinction as the "dirtiest hotel in the United States."

One former guest notes "...our room smelled like a mixture of yeast and male cat urine." And another from North Carolina adds a similarly colorful anecdote: "When we turned on the jaccuzzi, hair came up into the tub."

PERFECT YOUR PUTT IN PICTURESQUE COMPTON
Compton Par 3 Golf Course, Compton, California

Welcome to Compton, California, popularized by rap group NWA as the place where Eazy-E is "straight outta." (Also the place he'll "smother your mother and make your sister think I love her.") Compton's murder rate is five times higher than the surrounding Los Angeles area and over nine times that of the nation. Still, recent years have brought attention to the areas other assets—Compton is home to a nine-hole golf course.

Golf Today notes that the Compton Par 3 offers "High calibre excitement" and is "home to the Crips versus Bloods, Ryder Cup-style competition."

And the Par 3 can be very economical. In years past the city has offered a "gifts for guns" trade-off, just two miles down the road. Average gift certificates for a weapon are valued around $100, which, if you're able to part with your Glock, could equal 20 games of Compton golf, at $5.00 per game.

The course boasts a "snackbar on site" as well as "no water and very few trees." Hazards come in other forms, like lootings and really loud music your parents will hate.

Photo: Getty Images

PET A GOAT
Lane County Fairgrounds, Eugene, Oregon

For many Americans, the summer of 2002 was all about finding excuses to drop "Hot in Herre" into conversation. But for the residents of Oregon's Lane County, it was the summer of E. coli. That's when the largest outbreak in Oregon history hit the "funtastic" Lane County Fair, and hit it hard. "More than 50 laboratory-confirmed cases of the virulent disease" were reported, causing vomiting, stomach pain, fever, and, yes, bloody diarrhea amongst fairgoers.

At first, the disease seemed linked to the concessions. Places like "Brownies Pronto Pups," the Berry Patch Café," or the suspiciously cross-ethnic "Donor Haus" could all be to blame.

But they weren't. It was a goat. And probably a sheep. The fair's animal pens were not just ill-smelling, fly-ridden corrals of feces, investigators say they were also dens of bacteria. Lane County children embraced their animal friends, then put their hands in their mouths, presumably also in other children's mouths, the family salad bowl, etc.

What happened at Lane County did provide one valuable lesson: Always douse your kids in lye after a trip to the petting zoo.

CATCH A FISH
Lake Onondaga, Onandaga County, New York

Lake Onondaga, located miles outside of Syracuse, was once a prized waterway of the Iroquois nation. Now considered one of the most polluted lakes in the world, it lists the "Metropolitan Wastewater Treatment Plant" as one of its primary tributaries.

Swimming has been forbidden in Onondaga since 1940, when serious concerns about sewage contamination, bacterial discharge, and high levels of mercury arose. But, lucky for you, boating and fishing are still A-okay.

One caveat: The fish do tend to "bioaccumulate" the lake's many toxins. To prevent illness (and perhaps a generation of babies with flippers for hands) Lake Onondaga provides guidelines that are sure to inspire confidence in anglers everywhere: visitors should "eat no walleye; eat no more than one meal per month of carp and channel catfish; and no more than one meal per month of all other species."

Photo: Copyright Dr. John Madsen GeoResources Institute

RIDE ZE WATER TUBES IN FRENCH CANADA
Le Parc aquatique, St-Pie, Quebec

It's hard to think of anything more innocuous than a French Canadian waterpark. St. Pie boasts an adorable welcome picture of a wee gamine on its website declaring "Rafraî ... chaud!" (Rrrrefreshing ... Hot!), but the water park has also had its share of troubles, two of which belonged to a seven-year-old boy. In 2006, he was dragged into an open intake pipe at the bottom of one of the park's waterslides and lost both of his legs.

The incident set off a large-scale investigation, with the safety board finding over 20 other safety problems at St. Pie. According to a Canadian news report, these included "exposed electrical cables" and "a conveyer belt without an emergency brake." The report also showed that the drain cover, which was missing and could have prevented the accident, had been "homemade."

And yet, in the true French Canadian spirit that thrives despite a much-mocked accent and the coming menace of Vermont maple syrup, Le camping des glissades d'eau St-Pie, keeps on keeping on. The rides are still in operation. And you can help in the struggle for a mere $22 Canadian (if you're over 13.)

Honorable Mention: Bow your head at the now closed Action Park in McAffey, New Jersey, which claimed numerous casualties over the years, not only from its famous waterpark and wavepool (nicknamed "the grave pool," for its various drownings) but also from its unique Alpine Slide, where riders could hop on flimsy plastic sleds, then speed down concrete gutters at ridiculous speeds, regularly getting tossed head first off the track into hay bales or far worse. Doctors at local hospitals had a few terms of endearment for the place, including "Traction Park" and "Death Park."

CRUISE THE COAST OF SOMALIA

Too much action for you? Why not take a break in international waters on a serene cruise. For visitors who quickly tire of buffets and Neil Diamond covers, there are adventures to be had on board the Seabourn cruise ship Spirit. On one jaunt off the southern coast of Somalia, pirates in speedboats came up on the vessel at around 5:30 a.m., then began launching rocket propelled grenades. In response, the residents fired back with a sonic blast, which made the pirates believe the pleasure cruiser was returning fire. Amazingly, the Spirit escaped, with booty intact.

Worry not! The coastline of Africa offers many chances for pirate adventure. In 2006, pirates skirmished with two U.S. Navy ships. One was killed and five were wounded. A week before, Somali pirates kidnapped 50 Yemeni fishermen and held them for ransom. "Somalia and the piracy off its coast," read one news report, "is becoming a security problem that can't be ignored."

But why ignore it, when you can get right at the center of the action? For some reason, numerous cruises have stopped traveling the route, but you can still find adventure off northern Somalia on a Spirit cruise to Djibouti.

Honorable mention to Seaborn's parent company Carnival cruises, which makes up for its lack of pirates with cases of rampant food poisoning and the distinction of having had the most men overboard: 25 in the past 7 years, according to cruisejunkie.com.

Photo: Norman Fisher/Polaris