(Continued...)

RECRUITER: What's your name?
RADAR: Charlie Koop.

Any kids?
Nope.

None that you know of.
I can't. I'm sterile, actually.

Uh ... any health problems?
That's actually what I want to talk to you about. I don't know what the restrictions are, but I've got some minor things that are a nuisance in my life here.

But you must have other soldiers who have this kind of explosive diarrhea when they eat certain foodsLike what?
I've got hay fever, for instance.

Everybody's got hay fever.
Okay. I've got halitosis. Pretty severe halitosis.

Chew some mints.
Okay. I've got pretty bad dandruff.

Dry skin.
Just dandruff. It flakes off on my shoulders. I don't know that if you're wearing a camouflage uniform, if it would suddenly make you more visible.

No. Anything else?
Yeah, I've got some IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Jeez, man, you got all kinds of problems!
Yeah, but these are minor things. Definite no-nos are dairy and wheat, and if I get salt or sugar, too much salt or sugar, I get bad diarrhea. Here, I eat a lot of vegetable roots. Two out of my three meals are some kind of thing involving celery and radishes.

You ever see a doctor about this?
Sure, he prescribed the celery—I eat celery-shake mixes all the time, and I'm curious if you could bring those over to Iraq, or if they have them there already.

For any health issues, we collect documentation from your doctor, we send it down to our doctor, and he signs off yes or no.
Do you know yourself if you're allowed to bring your own food over there, like celery-shake mixes? To Iraq.

You could have 'em mailed over, sure.
Great. Do you know if they have celery fields there? That's the one thing I can really eat the most of, is celery. If they have celery fields already in Iraq that I could maybe harvest—

You can Google that one, I don't know. You can have 'em mailed over.
Yeah, but it's best if it's fresh, of course. You take, like, 10 or 12 celery stalks, you mix it up in a blender—

That's all you eat?!
For breakfast and lunch, and then I have a sensible dinner. Usually, some radishes, some potatoes.

You're all veggies?
Pretty much, 'cause meat usually has salt in it, and like I said, I get explosive diarrhea with that. So I try and stay away from the meat.

What we'd do is, I'd have you sign a release of information, I could fax it down to [your doctor's] office, and he faxes me all the documentation up here.
But you must have other soldiers who have this kind of explosive diarrhea when they eat certain foods.

It depends on what you eat. Hell, I can get it sometimes.
Yeah, but I'm telling you, I'm lactose intolerant, I'm celiac, I'm salt- and sugar-resistant—it's called "The Fearsome Foursome." That's the term for people like me.

I get hives when I'm in stressful situations, a big outbreak of hives everywhere. If I went to Iraq, would there be a placement somewhere that would avoid stress?Yeah.
Is there, like, a Fearsome Foursome support group over there? Someone I could talk to to see—

Uh, probably not. Next question. You ever been in trouble with the cops?
One time I accidentally ate something I shouldn't have eaten, had an accident, and the cops thought I was showing them up, because it smelled bad, but it was really just an accident.

You ate something?
I had a Twizzler one day, which I didn't realize had so much sugar in it. I was talking with a cop, I had an accident in front of him, he thought I was being funny, when it was really just 'cause I ate the Twizzler.

[Laughs] Did he take you to jail or anything?
They took me down, because he thought I was doing something to show him up, but I produced some documentation—my doctor had to come in, actually, and say, "No, if he eats sugar at all, he'll have explosive diarrhea."

Oh, good Lord.
The only other medical issue I have, really, that might cause a problem, I get hives when I'm in stressful situations, a big outbreak of hives everywhere. If I went to Iraq, would there be a placement somewhere that would avoid stress?

I can't guarantee you're going to Iraq. You got a lot of health issues. I mean, the hay fever is no big deal. The halitosis is no big deal. Dry skin, no big deal. The irritable bowels, that's an issue.
If I can get my celery shakes, I can eat those three times a day, really, and that's all I need.

You're gonna have to come in and see me.
I get stressed out for interviews and stuff like that—I might have the hives on me then. It's a job interview kind of thing, it may not happen during a war.

I'll tell you what, call me back, let me know when you can come around the office.
Sounds good. Thanks.