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EXCLUSIVE BLOG: Jonathan 'The Weatherman' Novack Dishes From Inside Bachelor Pad

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I think Bobby Fisher would throw a fit trying to figure out the strategy in the Bachelor Pad.  Man, it’s getting crazy in this house!

We all walked back into the mansion after that first rose ceremony.  It wasn’t a sigh of relief…more like a monsoon (yes a weather metaphor…are you really surprised?)

Wow can Elizabeth b.s.  If I ever need a lawyer, I’m bypassing Gloria Alred and going straight to her.  For all Kovacs knows, the girls could be talking about nail polish and tanning.  But he believes everything she tells him.  Hey Kovacs, I have a bridge in Houston I’d like to sell you. 

Natalie says she’ll pay off her student loans.  I didn’t realize they gave out loans for The University of Hooking Up.  Did they have to get hot and heavy on the couch by the pool…I would take naps on that thing. C’mon!

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To the pie eating contest we go.  I walked out and saw the table of giant cherry pies.  I came in second in an ice cream eating contest when I was 8, so I knew I’d have to draw on my extensive experience.  I’d have to step up my game to beat these guys.  Was figuring David or Jesse B. would be good competitors here.  I mean, David probably could have eaten Chris Harrison in a single sitting.  Wasn’t really concerned with Kiptyn.  And I definitely wanted to crush Craig M…and the family of pelicans living in his hair.

Ladies, take a lesson from Gia…learn to scarf down a pie in three minutes…it’s hot. I didn’t really blame Krisily for dropping out. Honestly if I had TEN gallbladders I’d still be hesitant about eating those pies.  I think Tenley would have done better eating it if there had been sprinkles and gum drops on top.  As for Elizabeth, I was expecting her to just convince the pies that they were eaten.

So the girls started throwing up and all I could think was that this was going to turn into that scene from Stand By Me.  A little note, the vomiting was actually not so much a function of the taste of the pie, but maybe more of a strategy for the girls.  The rules didn’t say you couldn’t throw up the pie once you’d eaten it…so to make room for more pie, I think some girls did just that.  One thing’s for sure, we utilized every drop of mouthwash in the mansion that day.

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Afterward, back in the house we hear my line of the week: “Thanks Gwen, I probably couldn’t have eaten all that pie without you.”  Take it how you will.  I blame the heat.

My date picks were strategic.  The one person I knew was on the fence was Ashley.  She could very easily be playing both sides, the outsiders and the insiders, and I knew that.  My goal on the date was to show her that by sticking with the insiders, she will be at the bottom of that totem pole.  With the outsiders, she’ll have more longevity in the game.

We got our wardrobe for the body painting.  Gotta’ love it.  Watch out for the next in my speedo trilogy.  Speedo Three: Way Tighter.

It took literally a full hour to wash all that paint off afterward. When I tell you I had a half-gallon of paint INSIDE my speedo, I am not exaggerating.  I just have one thing to say to Tenley… who’s crapping rainbows now?  Funny story, the shower I used to wash off in after that part of the date leaked onto the floor and started flooding the downstairs.  I’m hoping I don’t have to pick up that tab.

On the date, I was confident about Gwen and Peyton.  But even after speaking with Ashley I was still unsure.  She was someone I thought might be on our side, but needed a little more time to figure out.  Gia obviously didn’t think Ashley was a good choice to bring on the date…but the way I see it is that there are the insiders, the outsiders, and then some who are on the fence.  And to get some of the girls on the fence on the outsider’s side is huge.

As for Gia’s date, her picks were perfect as well.  It’s unreal, because I never thought I’d actually say I’d rather have Craig M. hair in the Mansion with me, than not.  I mean, having Craig hair at first was definitely not cool.  But now it’s strategy to keep him hair.  I mean, hair you have the Weatherman, and Craig M. trying to work together. It’s definitely getting interesting around hair.

Ok, moving on.  Gia knew exactly what she had to do on the date.  Give Craig the rose.  Very simple, and what would have been a very smart move.  But Wes had to go off and  bear his soul at the wrong time.  Wes buddy, wait til she’s single, man! Gia couldn’t stick to the plan and now Craig M. is gone! Damn it!

To be honest, as much as I wanted to trust Gia, when I found out she gave the rose to Wes, I knew I couldn’t completely put my faith in her. Can’t trust anyone in the Pad!

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Rose ceremony night and Chris Harrison walks in with his hard hitting questions.  Tenley cries…again.  Everyone seems to know exactly what’s going on, but no one wants to just come out and say it.  The outsiders have another shot at taking control…IF we can vote off Kiptyn.  This requires (once again) for people to keep their word.  But people seem to have trouble with that. 

So as we all know now, the plan to keep Craig M. around fell to pieces. He’s gone, and the outsiders have failed to take control. My blood pressure just shot through the roof.  Watch next week to see whether I have a nervous breakdown, or just throw myself into the valley behind the mansion.

(Note: Check out all the drama, hookups and eliminations as the contestants on the Bachelor Pad compete for $250,000 on ABC Mondays at 8/7c.)

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