Conan O’Brien at least has his sense of humor intact.
In his monologue on Thursday evening’s show, the funnyman reflected on the day’s big news that he inked a $44 million deal to leave The Tonight Show, paying homage to certain past comedic targets who have one-upped him in the end.
“I thought about something today,” he said. “Over the years I’ve made a lot of fun of Ryan Seacrest, Larry King, Spencer Pratt, Geraldo, David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley and Donald Trump. And here’s the messed up thing—they all still have shows.”
With Friday being his last evening on the iconic late night program, O’Brien also apologized to his alleged upcoming roster for canceling their appearances. Who was on the list? President Obama, the pope, the Queen of England and “good friend” Elvis Presley.
O’Brien also exposed the caveats in his departure deal with NBC that had yet to hit the press:
• “I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30.”
• “I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on.”
• “I’m not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself.”
• “The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher.”
• “Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women’s locker room at the NBC gym.”
• “Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings.”
• “Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter‘s medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels.”
• “Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: Inside the ‘Cock.”
The stand-up comic had one moment of honest emotion when he admitted: “Obviously this was not our first choice, but I’m determined to make the best of this situation.”