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The Hills: Bring Me The Head of Spencer Pratt

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This week’s episode of The Hills explored one of the quintessential question of our age: What if Spencer never met Heidi? Would the absence of the blondest pair in Hollywood be like a butterfly flapping its wings, causing a slight change in the atmosphere that ultimately results in large-scale shifts in life as we know it? Would Taco Bell exist? Would we all be speaking German right now? Maybe. But you can’t go back in time, friends. You can only look to the future.

So. If The Hills were a Lifetime movie, this would be the episode when the three women (Holly, Heidi, and L.C.) conspire together to kill Spencer. To Die For meets MacBeth meets the second and third verses of “Earl’s Got to Die” by the Dixie Chicks. As it was, everyone just sat around talking about why everyone else couldn’t be friends. We’re waiting for Holly to be poolside with L.C., musing about how great life would be without Spencer, when a .357 magnum accidentally drops out of her Chloé bag.

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