The Fall of the House of Usher

I DON'T Usher

• Nuptial news: Usher cancels his wedding to his older, pregnant fiancée, while Steve Martin—Inspector Clouseau mustache and all—weds his younger fiancée in a surprise ceremony.

• Smart money: Portly blogger Perez Hilton pens a piece in the London Mirror about Hollywood's betting ring on who will die first: Paris, Britney, Lindsay, or Nicole.

• Bombed again: Lindsay Lohan's I Know Who Killed Me stands to become the new Showgirls. Few saw the movie after it opened this weekend, and even fewer liked it.

• No Ike day: The Mayor of St. Louis decides that it would not be in his city's best interest to deem Sept. 2 Ike Turner day. Something about him being a wife beater.