Times Haircut Article Foretells Our Doom

Every single person who had something to do with this article—whoever first suggested it, the editor who assigned it, the writer who carried it out, the bloggers willing to be quoted in it, and, ultimately, all of us who read it—should be deeply, deeply ashamed of themselves. If an alien race ever lands upon the charred wreckage of this planet and tries to figure out what happened to our civilization, we can only hope that they somehow find this article and then, nodding their silicone-based torso appendages sadly, achieve the logical tragic realization.