Your tip
RadarOnlineRadarOnline
BREAKING NEWS

Meet the Also-Rans: Jonathon the Impaler

Oct. 27 2008, Published 7:07 a.m. ET

Link to FacebookShare to XShare to Email

RENAISSANCE MAN Jonathon

RadarOnline.com asks: Why should the race for our country's highest office be dominated by stage-managed mainstream candidates? Get to know the underdogs in the '08 presidential race—genuine mavericks without massive campaign coffers, high-paid strategists, or insurance plans that cover mental health.

In this premiere installment, get to know Jonathon the Impaler.

If you've ever dreamed of a president who is an ordained satanic priest and wants to murder a bunch of people with his own hands, Jonathon the Impaler is your guy. A vampire, Jonathon has an unwavering personal commitment to impale Osama Bin Laden, President Bush, Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson, and others immediately upon taking office. Jonathon also brings to the table important military experience, serving as a "commanding general" of the vampire regiment "Death Dealers." This group would also provide his security detail, relieving the Secret Service of their important duty.

MORE ON:
Celebrity
Article continues below advertisement

He has already selected former Florida Rep. Katherine Harris as his secretary of state but has not yet settled on a VP. His top candidates: former New Jersey governor and EPA administrator Christine Todd-Whitman, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY), or Sen. Elizabeth Dole (R-NC).

MORE ALSO-RANS

Neo-Nazi John Taylor Bowles

Michael Jesus Archangel

Frank Moore, The "Just Makes Sense" Candidate

Advertisement

DAILY. BREAKING. CELEBRITY NEWS. ALL FREE.

Opt-out of personalized ads

© Copyright 2024 RADAR ONLINE™️. A DIVISION OF EMPIRE MEDIA GROUP INC. RADAR ONLINE is a registered trademark. All rights reserved. Registration on or use of this site constitutes acceptance of our Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Cookies Policy. People may receive compensation for some links to products and services. Offers may be subject to change without notice.